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If you’re tired of being the first person to any party you should consider having kids— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 29, 2019
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?— Prime Nate (@GorillaNipples1) August 24, 2019
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
My 4-year-old was pretending to call me on a toy phone.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 26, 2019
I let it go to voicemail, because I believe in preparing children for the future.
I feel bad for kids. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have every ounce of water sucked from your body every time someone says bedtime.— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) August 26, 2019
I hugged 7 and told him he made me so proud and that I’d always love him no matter what, and he looked up at me and smiled and said ‘mummy you have hair on your chin like daddy’— MumInBits (@MumInBits) August 27, 2019
“Um, can we just turn off the music?” ordered my 4-year-old, perched atop her throne in the backseat, like I was her Uber driver.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 28, 2019
I don’t know much, but I know that if you have a daughter under the age of 10 and you smell nail polish, a piece of your furniture is getting ruined.— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 28, 2019
Whoever named them “amusement parks” never took their kids to one.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 27, 2019
Day 1 of summer break: Here’s a list of 365 free activity ideas and a library card. We’re going to have so much fiscally responsible fun this summer!— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) August 28, 2019
Day WTF of summer break: Here’s $365 cash and my AMEX card take it go do whatever please just I need some quiet please
7-year-old: Can I have a snack?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 28, 2019
Me: No, you'll ruin your dinner.
7: I thought that was your job.
“I’m not your maid” I say under my breath as I walk around cleaning up after everyone.— m👻mma unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) August 26, 2019
My wife refuses to let me prep her morning coffee.— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) August 29, 2019
Not that I want to, but apparently she doesn’t trust me to get it right.
No issues with me driving the kids to school though.
[drive thru window]— *sigh*clops (@DadZZZasleep) August 26, 2019
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I tried to type that my son has sixth grade orientation tomorrow but autocorrect tried to change “orientation” to “odor” and honestly that sounds about right for middle school.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 27, 2019
Hey girl,— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) August 29, 2019
Let's get married and have kids so we can send them school and they can bring home every illness known to man.
Me: *overwhelmed, exhausted, drowning in stress*— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 29, 2019
Me: Ok fine, I’ll coach soccer.
My kid just called romaine lettuce “gross kale” so the next batch of humans is coming along nicely, thanks for asking.— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) August 24, 2019
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school pictures?— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) August 30, 2019
Child: Because I’m at school.
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: ok never mind I get it
Me, to son: “Why do you waste so much time watching other people play Minecraft on YouTube?”— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 30, 2019
Also Me: *spends 2 hours watching people slice kinetic sand... on YouTube.*