Episode 10: The Phantom Intelligence.
It is a dark time for the Hero Alliance. The Empire of Villainy, led by Darth Baggins, is merging with the fragile band of weak-minded Banana-eaters, while in possession of a plethora of magic talismen. Can Jedi Boob JT lead his not-Father Bulbous back to the side of virtue and redemption? Can monkeys fly?
Happy Shakespeare's Birthday everyone. Let's celebrate by talking about Survivor, which is exactly what Shakespeare would have written if only he had had no talent.
As we began, the remains of the Pathetic Tribe were bored out of what passes for their minds. They must have been watching Survivor.
Rupussy and Amanda found a big, dark chest in the woods. Sadly, it wasn't James's chest, which this show is sorely missing. They had to wait for a key to open it. A note informed them that company was coming. Even JT could figure out that meant the merge had arrived, and he only calls himself JT because he couldn't learn his whole name.
Meanwhile the Insufferables, aka Darth Baggins and his harem, found a key and a map to the heroes camp. Since Bulbous (also called Russell on the show) had lived in the other camp in the previous season, I would think he'd remember how to get there. If not, all they'd have to do is hide another immunity idol there, and he'd have found the camp without a map or a clue.
The map looked like the same one The Flockness Monster gave Sawyer this week on Lost. I half expected they'd find a boat with Hurley, Lapidus, and Kate waiting for them. Sadly no. Just Rupussy, Colby, James, Candice, and Amanda. Drat!
Bulbous needed to invent a reason to give JT for Parvati still being there. He suggested saying that he and Parvati had both played idols. This is a good idea, since it would make the Idiots, I mean the Pathetics, think there were no idols left, when there are actually still two. (Only Bulbous doesn't know about the second one.) But Parvati needed a motivation for playing an idol. "Because I thought the girls were revolting." said Parvati. Well, so do I, but why would you have played the idol? Oh. You meant ... Never mind.
Ah but little, ally-free Sandra overheard this plan. Just the sort of info she could use to barter an alliance with the Pathetics herself, something she desperately needs to do. Danielle noticed, and shushed them, but way too late. "I'm a have them eatin' out of my hand," said Bulbous, though I think I'd rather eat out of a used diaper myself. We know where Bulbous's hands have been: inside Bulbous's shorts.
When JT spotted Bulbous's legs he said, "Oh thank God." JT has the worst taste of any gay man I know, even Little Dougie. JT, Bulbous's legs are not God's best work.
The Insufferables didn't even have to tell JT their cover story. He worked out the two-idols-were-played scenario at once for himself, except of course, that's not what happened, and JT doesn't know what scenario means. "Therefore there's no idols in the game. Parvati's gotta be the first to go. It's a known fact. "The only facts here are that JT doesn't know what The Facts are, or what a fact is.
The chest, when opened, contained new buffs (needed, because there's no one left who is buff), instructions for choosing a new tribe name (My suggestion, "Ragtag Losers," wasn't even considered.), and food for the Merge Feast, notably, a roast ham hock larger than Sandra. They better be careful carving up the ham. Bulbous is such a ham, they could mistakenly slice up him instead, and while cutting him up is fine by me, I would think eating him would be nauseating. He's definitely gone off.
Jerri suggested "All Villains," which was insulting, and slightly premature.
Parvati felt like an outcast at once, mostly because she wasn't the center of attention: "Do they think I'm stupid?" she asked Danielle, "like Amanda's played with me before." Then Amanda is certain she's stupid, although Parvati is canny and treacherous, which is a Republican's version of smart.
Apparently not having enough action to fill an hour of TV, we were, well "treated" isn't really the right verb, let's say "subjected" to lingering shots of Parvati standing around in her microscopic bikini, picking bugs off herself. You know, Palin's Pimp, I could switch channels over to Flash Forward or Community with a slight movement of one finger. I've got a remote, and I think I know how to use it.
"I swear on my kids that I'm on board with y'all," said Bulbous to JT and Rupussy, sending his daughters watching at home into a panic of terror.
"I told you," said JT to Rupussy, "He's solid." Actually, I think he's gaseous. He was certainly passing a lot of hot air to those fools. "He's a good ole country boy." Yes, like the good ole country boys that make up the Ku Klux Klan. JT, Bulbous is not "good," not "ole," and not a "boy." He's an evil country man, and you are his head patsy
JT was determined to display the full range of his idiocy to us: "Givin' Russell the hidden immunity idol could blow up in my face. I mean, he could have never been going home, you know. He could be the leader of the girls over there. Do I believe it? Not a chance in the world." JT's grasp on Reality is as tortured as his syntax. Other things that there's not a chance in the world JT believes: that the earth is round, that 2 + 2 = 4, that for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows, that that nice stranger in Nigeria really just wants to run $2,340,000 through his account if only he'll email him all his personal identity information, that Kate Gossellin is a born dancer.
"Hook, line, and sinker. They're biting everything I tell them," said Bulbous, tossing his metaphors into a mixmaster. And the worst of it is, he's right.
It's hard to tell if Sandra is smart or an idiot. She went scurrying over to Rupussy to wise him up, which is smart for her, and lucky for him, but she also told us: "Russell is the kingpin, and that Parvati is his right-hand man." Apart from her metaphors also going through a cuisinart, Parvati's skimpy excuse for an outfit should leave all but Martians fully aware that Parvati is not a man at all. Either that, or RuPaul has taught her secrets of "tucking" beyond the powers of mortal men.
At least Rupussy had the brains to believe what Sandra told him. "Boy," said Rupussy to us as the full magnitude of how much Bulbous was playing them hit him, "this is where the game gets crazy." This game was born crazy, and it will die crazy.
Actually, this is when the game got stupid. Rupussy took JT, Candice, and Amanda off and gave the the real information about Bulbous, and they wouldn't believe him! These people are dumber than Sarah Palin supporters. They would lose a game of chess to my cat! JT, a man who is as brilliant as Albert Einstein is now, told Rupussy he was being paranoid. They came up with the idea of betraying Bulbous as a "test." How about voting Bulbous out as a test?
JT condescendingly told us how dumb Rupussy is, and how Rupe needs that superior strategist JT to tell him how to vote. I destroy smarter life forms than JT whenever I chlorinate my swimming pool. And he's so smug in his idiocy.
Amanda took Parvati off and told her everyone was wanting to vote her out, but that she, Amanda, was campaigning to vote out Sandra. Parvati took it with a grain of salt. "With her, I don't know if she's telling me the truth or not." Are her lips moving? Is she uttering articulate sounds? She is? Then she's lying. But that's okay, because Parvati haven't told Amanda a word of truth either.
But Parvati blew that small advantage, by telling Amanda that she, Parvati, has an idol. This of course, confirmed what Sandra told Rupussy. They swore to tell each other the truth, lying what's left of their butts off.
Immunity Challenge: Man, these one-challenge episodes are long.
The new tribe name was announced to Jeff by Bulbous "It's Yeen-Yang," said Bulbous, unable to properly pronounce Yin, "it means, ah, good and evil." Well, that's a fairly simplistic definition of it. It really represents any innate duality: Good/bad, smart/stupid, up/down, sexy/Rupussy. I shall call the tribe Yo-Yo, because this is a batch of prize yo-yos if ever I've seen one, and also, Randy Jackson has to say "Yo" about thirty times before any attempt, however unsuccessful he may be, at speaking a sentence, and this tribe is collectively dumber than an entire season of Randy's: "Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo dawg, for me, for you, for me, that was not all whatever, ya know what I mean, dawg?" comments. Plus "Yo-Yo" reminds me of Yo Yo Ma and Tommy Smothers, two artists I adore. In any event, Yin-Yang is Chinese, not Samoan.
This was a straight-forward endurance challenge. Great. No action here either. Let Jeff explain this one: "You will hold onto a pole for as long as you can... Last person left hanging on their pole wins immunity." Little Dougie would win this one without doubt. It's all I can do to get him to let go of his pole long enough to type up these columns for me. He could be in the Superbowl of pole-holding.
"It's kinda high up here," said Bulbous, who had never gotten to hold onto such a large pole before. Plus, since he's only about two feet tall anyway, he's not use to being up so high. But then, I was lounging on my chaise, and I was still higher than he was. In fact, one martini and half a medically-prescribed reefer (I have pain. [cough, cough]) later, I was considerably higher. I love the colors.
They had to scale ladders, clamp on, and then Jeff took away the ladders. Was this a challenge or a Laurel & Hardy short?
A couple of the players inched down their poles. Jeff thought it might be strategy. Yes. The strategy was, when they fall off, they don't fall so far. I was expecting Parvati, who probably has plenty of pole-handling experience, to just keep going up and down her pole.
Remember how the Pathetics kept Colby and voted out my beautiful James because James was wounded, and Colby was perceived to be stronger and more likely to win physical challenges? Colby was the first out, lasting less than one full minute. Even Sandra lasted longer, albeit only by a few seconds. Could he be lamer? He's lamer than lame James. Rupussy with his broken toe was doing better than Colby - yet again.
Bulbous was down next. Well he has an immunity idol; why would he struggle? Rupussy followed soon after. The women were doing well. Interesting. I would think that the sluttier a woman is, the better she'd do at competitive pole-holding. Hmmm. That may mean Parvati has it in the bag.
Amanda went next, though I suspect she bailed so people wouldn't think her too experienced a pole-grabber.
JT stayed up for 40 minutes before plummeting off his pole. Now there were only women. No gay men in the Yo-Yo tribe.
Jerri climbed off after an hour and a half. Candice bailed next. Jeff gave her guff for being a quitter, since she was clearly choosing to stop, and wasn't near the end of her endurance yet at all. Now it was just Parvati and Danielle left. Their negotiations began. They had this exchange:
Parvati: "You want me to win?" (Why would she "want" Parvati to win?)
Danielle: "I'll win, 'cause you have the idol."
Oops. Loose lips sink ships. That was supposed to be their secret! Yet here Danielle was blabbing it in front of everyone. Did she think Bulbous had gone deaf?
Parvati chose to let Danielle win, and climbed down. I'm sure straight men and lesbians were cursing as Jeff placed the ugly immunity necklace around Danielle's neck, its large leaves covering her ginormous boobs from view. Honestly, there's already no action and no hot men. Now the largest boobs were being concealed. Are they trying to get us to switch over to 30 Rock?
Apparently the tribe mates on the bench actually couldn't hear Danielle bellow out that Parvati has an idol, but Rupussy figured out that the only reason Parvati would abandon a challenge she could obviously have continued in was if she had an idol already. "That's all part of the plan tonight, to see if I can oust Russell for the weasel that he is." Did he mean "out Russell for the weasel that he is"? Or does he actually mean to evict Bulbous? I so hope it's the latter. Bulbous does believe he has them all buffaloed. It could be done tonight, as long as JT the Idiot can be shaken from his belief that Bulbous makes George Washington look like a Republican press secretary.
JT also worked out that Parvati wouldn't have abandoned the challenge without an idol in her pocket, but that doesn't mean he's gotten smart. For one thing, he wasn't able to reason out that that meant Bulbous's story of two idols being played in the last council was a lie, and that therefore, everything Bulbous had told him was a lie. His plan was to ask Bulbous to vote for Parvati to show his loyalty, while the rest of them vote out Jerri or Sandra. No, you imbecile! Vote out Bulbous while he still thinks he has you fooled! The problem is, Bulbous does still have JT fooled. JT has become relentlessly brainless. Did he have unprotected brain sex with Tyson? Because he's become as stupid as That Mormon Moron was.
To paraphrase Oscar Wilde: I don't know if there is anything particularly stupifying in the air in this particular part of Samoa, but it seems to me that the number of raving ratbag idiots there considerably exceeds the usual number that statistics have laid down for our guidance. Because Bulbous, up until now clearly the smartest player there, despite his constantly telling us he's the smartest player there, finally made a bold blunder. He gave his immunity idol to Parvati - again!!! Since when did Hidden Immunity Idols become a "great gift idea"? This is the third time this season that someone has given someone else an immunity idol. Parvati showed her gratitude by not telling Bulbous that she already has one. Now she has bookends.
But this leaves Bulbous totally vulnerable. Vote him out! Vote him out! Vote him out!
Amanda told Parvati that the Pathetics were going to vote for her, so she should play her idol. Given that she has two, why wouldn't she? Because Parvati snapped to the fact that she was being maneuvered into playing it, and began to think she shouldn't play one. This means that Parvati could be voted out, which would be almost as good as voting out Bulbous.
Yet who are they actually discussing voting out? Sandra, who tried to clue them into their danger, or Jerri, who is pretty harmless at this point, having played a thuddingly mediocre game so far. Come on, you dips, vote out Bulbous or Parvati. Get a friggin' clue. I'm losing my patience with this bunch of idiots. The dopes on Tool Academy are smarter than this batch of boobs.
"My head hurts,": said Amanda, of the pain that trying to think was causing her. Now there was an honest statement.
Tribal Council: The first order of business at Tibal now each week seems to be checking out Voldepussy's fashion statements. Last time she was in a silk kimono, like she was preparing to play the title role in Madama Butterfly. This time she chose a completely open black shirt, flying free, no bra, exposing her repulsive body. In her monumental narcissism, she actually thinks she's attractive. If she's going to keep dressing like that, I'm going to have to get myself one of those new, round screen, black & white, solid crystal, low-def TVs, because she is grisly viewing. They're coming out now with 3-D TVs, but Voldepussy leaves me wondering if I can get a 1-D TV. Also, what I took to be Voldepussy's left arm turned out to be Courtney's skeleton. Voldepussy's actual left arm is larger, and weighs more.
Banana Etiquette was again raised, as the Insufferables are eating more than what Rupussy considers their fair share. "I haven't had a ripe banana since they got here," he whined. Little Dougie pointed out to me that living with that band of grotesques would inhibit his banana from ripening as well.
Danielle, whose colossal boobs need constant feeding, got defensive: "There's so many plantains and green bananas, that I don't think we should be penalized for wanting to cook a plantain, considering the plethora amount that we have." The plethora amount? It's Garble-Your-Syntax Night on Survivor. In fairness to Danielle though, in order to be able to organize your thoughts coherently, you first have to have some.
Rupussy: "I don't think we've ever had a discussion about eating plantains." Coincidentally, in all my 112 years of life, I also have never had a discussion about eating plantains, nor ever eaten one, nor ever become completely certain just what a plantain is. "We have a thousand plantains," Rupussy went on, "It's the ripe bananas. We have ripe bananas all the time, but we let them ripen." They let ripe bananas ripen? Isn't that called "rotting"?
"Banana Wars," Courtney's skeleton whispered to Voldepussy, as though she could actually lift a banana. There was a lot of eye-rolling going on, as people began wondering if Rupussy was going to start beating people with plantains over bananas.
Discussing the idea that no one from either tribe is talking to each other, which of course, isn't the case at all, Sandra, determined to join in on Garble-Your-Syntax Night, said: "Nobody said nothin' to me neither, so I didn't say nothin' to them neither." Besides being an appalling excuse for grammar, this was, of course, a blatant lie, since she had clued in Rupussy to the truth about Bulbous. Bulbous had been chatting up JT and Rupussy (and was honest about that fact), and of course, Amanda had been holding secret conclaves with Parvati.
"I feel like everyone's been avoiding me," lied Parvati, who had been conferring with Amanda regularly. "I feel like a leper," she added. What? Bananas and plantains weren't enough for her? Frankly, I have never eaten a leper, except for that one romantic night when I was vacationing on Molokai. (For some reason, you can get far more reasonable hotel rates there than on any other Hawaiian island.)
Jeff suggested that this was just because she was a spoiled diva who always expected to be the center of attention. This was so extremely true that everyone broke up.
"I don't have any idea who has an idol," lied JT, who, like most everyone else, knew Parvati had one, though only Parvati knew that she had so many of them that she was probably giving them names, though whether she was going to play Stan or Ollie was not yet known.
On to the vote. Bulbous showed his beauty of inner character once again, by voting for JT, his benefactor, disciple, and prize patsy. We'd seen three or four of JT's confessionals over the hour, in each of which JT expressed his undying faith in Bulbous's loyalty and gratitude to him, and Darth Baggins's trustworthiness and general fine human beingness. What a pair of tools.
We were also shown Parvati and Jerri voting for JT during the vote, and saw three votes in advance for Jerri. Does nobody have the brains to seize this opportunity to lose Bulbous or Parvati?
Jeff asked if anyone wanted to play a hidden immunity idol. All eyes turned to Parvati. Yeah, no one had any idea if she had one, even though you could hear them clatter together in her pocket as she walked.
And then, in a move so insane, so bizarre, and so over-the-top weird that no one, not me, not Jeff, not Bulbous, not Jacob, not Doctor Who, no one could see it coming, following in the new tradition of Immunity Idols as a Great Gift Idea, Parvati hauled out both of her idols, and gave Stan to Sandra and Ollie to Jerri. Much as it pains me to dictate these words, it was a brilliant move, a stunningly brilliant move. Even Bulbous, who believes himself the best possible Survivor player, had to bow down to this masterstroke, which he had unwittingly set up. It was one of the most amazing moments in the history of the show, and it spelt JT's doom. Will Rupussy have anyone left to say "I told you so" to?
JT fell victim to his own utter stupidity, and his unwillingness to listen when Rupussy told him that they were called villains for a reason. He did it; he actually managed to beat out Tyson as the season's biggest fool, having been shafted by an idol he went to elaborate lengths to hand to his enemies to use against him. "I feel like a total idiot right now," said JT in his departing confessional. Now, now darling, that's just because you are a total idiot.
And he's still an idiot, because he missed the point of this whole life lesson: "Don't ever trust women, ever, ever, ever," he said. JT, you were bamboozled by Bulbous. None of the women lied to you nor deceived you. And Sandra, via Rupussy, tried to wise you up, and you refused to listen. I wonder now just how good a cowboy he is, because I'm beginning to suspect he could be outsmarted by his own cattle.
But all was not 100% rosy for Parvati. Bulbous, while admiring the brilliant play, also noted that he'd been lied to, and maneuvered around. "Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do," was basically what he whispered to Parvati. He's beginning to notice that he's running his harem only as much as she is letting him. Why, it's almost as though she's playing for herself, rather than for him. She would, in fact, have been safer all around if she'd handed out only Ollie to Jerri, and kept Stan in reserve, and her secret preserved. But still, it was a stunner, and she certainly secured herself two jury votes, though I doubt JT will vote for her.
The Pathetics had learned the hard way the power of the Dark Side of the Farce.
Sadly, the previews make it look like the outraged Bulbous, now aware of how even he had been duped and surprised, is heading for eviction. That can only mean he'll be safe. My head hurts.
To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.