"I think it's rather disgusting, his blatant disregard for the American people and their fiscal problems," former political roadkill-turned-born-again voice of the ultra-marginalized Republican fringe Newt Gingrich did not tell the Associated Press, between bites of a giant boar's head being slowly roasted on a huge spit on his front lawn, as three terrified Haitian servant boys polished his nine Lincoln Town cars with the pelt of a small woodland creature Gingrich had recently suffocated between his thighs.
"General Motors is about to go bankrupt due to the lack of foresight of countless overpaid executives who apparently like to design cars using bricks and a old glue gun, and the U.S. economy is in a tailspin thanks in large part to some of the most disastrous, corrupt and downright criminal policies and practices of a previous administration I helped spawn," Gingrich didn't add, sighingly. "And now Obama wants to take his wife to low-key dinner in New York? What's next, free health care for children?"
Gingrich was not alone in his outrage.
"How much is this costing us, the long-suffering taxpayers, to fund this frightening, dark-skinned president's lovely and healthy display of affection for his smart and powerful wife who obviously must be stopped because she is clearly too smart and powerful and tall?" radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh did not say, from the giant, prostate-shaped swimming pool in the back of his heavily gated $25 million West Palm Beach mansion, as enormous misters sprayed lazy clouds of liquefied Zoloft over his 47 square yards of oatmeal-colored flesh.
"Doesn't the socialist-in-chief know this is America? We're supposed to resent our wives and loathe our children while harboring secret gay fantasies about the pool boy," Limbaugh would've added, had his mouth not already been crammed with Newt Gingrich's desperate ego.