Political Media in Shock: Real Democrats Win in Democratic Primaries

In a political earthquake Tuesday, candidates who have openly admitted being Democrats won nominations in the Democratic Party primaries. Members of the media -- reporters, broadcasters, and pundits -- were last seen wandering down the streets with shocked looks on their faces, mumbling to themselves.

In the Pennsylvania Democratic primary, Rep. Joe Sestak, the Democratic candidate handily defeated Sen. Arlen Specter, a Republican cross-dresser.

Throughout the campaign Specter had tried to convince Democrats that he has been one of them all along. In every county in the state, he swore he had been working underground as a counterspy in the Republican Party for the past century.

"I voted for William Jennings Bryan in three presidential elections before that academic, pin-headed peacenik Woodrow Wilson drove me out of the party," Specter reminded voters in his daily stump speech. "I had no choice but to become a Republican. But I did it for you and I was still a Democrat at heart."

Although he only won the third most votes statewide, Rand Paul, the tea party dandy and media darling, cornered the media attention and won the Kentucky Republican senatorial nomination. Members of the media, however, signed a pact in blood swearing to keep the public from knowing that two Democrats, state Attorney General Jack Conway and Lt. Gov. Daniel Mongiardo, both won more votes running against each other in the Democratic primary than Paul received in the Republican primary. (Please don't tell anyone in the media where you heard this.)

In Arkansas, Sen. Blanche Lincoln edged the Democratic candidate, Lt. Gov. Bill Halter, but failed to reach 50 percent, forcing a runoff with the surging Halter. Lincoln, the corporate candidate who occasionally impersonates a Democrat, said if she's reelected she'll continue to cross party lines to caucus with the Democrats.

Democrats also won the only race versus a Republican, the special election in Pennsylvania for the vacated seat of the late Rep. John Murtha. Democrat Mark Critz defeated Republican Tim Burns, and should be sworn in within a matter of days, just in time to begin running for reelection in November.

The remaining question in Kentucky is whether retiring Sen. Jim Bunning will serve out his term until January or not. Sources close to the senator have revealed that a bed is already reserved for him at a state institution. He'll be right down the hall from several of the sportswriters who inexplicably elected him to the Baseball Hall of Fame, despite his mediocre pitching career.