Racist Rejection Revives Dark Questions of Electability
Dateline - Lynchburg, Virginia
In a surprising move, which some are calling a deathblow to his candidacy, the Ku Klux Klan today decided to not endorse Senator Barack Obama in his bid for the Presidency of the United States. Seeming to validate Hillary Clinton's assertion that Obama cannot win the all-important poor white racist vote which had became the cornerstone of her support, many are now speculating that rejection by the influential domestic terrorist organization could spell the end for the Illinois Democrat's race for the White House.
At his armed camp outside of Crab Orchard, West Virginia, Imperial Grand Wizard Gomer Bath explained the Klan's decision. "Our secret membership just did not feel that Senator Obama was addressing our core values." he said during press conference to a group of blindfolded reporters. "We examined the platforms of the leading candidates, but for all of us there seemed to be something unsettling about Obama, something lacking in his positions. I don't know about the others," he continued, "but for myself it really came down to health care. As you know, emergency hospital care has always been associated with our Brotherhood, but I feel the Senator has been rather niggardly in explaining the details of his plan. In the end we took a hood count, and voted unanimously against endorsement."
After Obama's abysmal failure to secure the segregationist vote in Pennsylvania, some pundits began to question his ability to reach out to this all-important bigoted base. Subsequent losses in Indiana, West Virginia, Kentucky, and the Sudetenland seemed to confirm Obama electoral weakness with this xenophobic demographic.
"Without Klan support Obama is crippled coming into the Fall election," said Pat Buchanan, MSNBC commentator, and Oberfuerher of his own morning show, "Reich and Shine with Pat. "This proves what I've said all along: hardworking Americans will not vote for anyone with so colored a past." Speaking at a book signing for his bestseller about the campaign, "Is It Getting Dark In Here?" Buchanan noted that Obama had also failed to secure the critical Nazi endorsement, which has played a significant part in American politics for the past eight years. "The election of George Bush proved the importance of both Klan and Nazi swing voters, and it would be a strategic mistake for the Democrats to turn a blind eye when a candidate fails with so badly with these pure-blooded Americans."
From his National Headquarters/Mother's Knitting Room in Kudzu, Alabama, Intergalactic Majestic Dragon, and two-time winner of the "Hit a Black Man with a Stick When He's Not Looking and Run Away" Championship, Chester Podgorney agrees. "Obama's rhetoric and speeches of Hope and Understanding have not won the hearts and minds of my vast Army of Fearless Race Warriors." Podgorney's vast army, Timmy Henderson, quickly agreed. "I want to see more substance behind the words." he said, while simultaneously gaining badly needed hit points for his dwarf, Zolton, in his battle against Podgorney's 12th level Elf Princess. "I also have questions about his foreign policy." he added.
For some exactly how much to not endorse the Obama's candidacy was in doubt until the Senator's comments at a San Francisco fundraiser regarding the "bitterness" in some parts of America came to light.
"That did it for me." said Tucker Jones, lifelong Klan member, outside the unemployment office in Allentown, Pennsylvania. "I mean, sure, I felt a little angry when the factory moved to Uzbekistan. But then the Triple Secret Kleagle explained to me that the off-shoring of American factories was the only reasonable response to the Socialist Zionism Muslim Conspiracy of Osama Bin Goldberg. Boy, I felt like the dumbest guy at that cross burning! But, yeah, I was mad. But I was never bitter! Senator Obama's representation of armed, unemployed fanatically religious small town racists as bitter is exactly the sort of out of touch comment we've come to expect from his kind. Of politician.
With the loss of the Klan endorsement calls for Obama to end his hopeless candidacy have been heard from one end of Fox News Central to the other. However, despite this seemingly fatal blow to his campaign, diehards have noted Obama's apparent strength in states where melanin challenged Americans still make up a majority. But Grand Wizard Bath feels these arguments are baseless.
"Oregon, Wisconsin, Idaho, Nebraska... you have to understand the 28 states Obama's won so far are on the fringe," the robed zealot continued . "They do not represent the true confederacy of values America has tried to spread around the world. And there is also still quite a bit of strong feeling about Senator Clinton."
Noting her strength with the broad swaths of people who have no intention of actually voting for her, Senator Clinton also feels Obama's weakness with people who hate both of them with a passion should give unpledged superdelegates pause.
"I think they should look on Senator Obama's candidacy rather darkly," said the Senator most recently from New York. "The supers should remember that Fall is the important election., and these Klan voters are going to want to to support someone who understands them, someone they feel is one of them. And for some reason that does not seem to be Senator Obama"
Indeed, when questioned many of Clinton's erstwhile supporters said, though her candidacy seems over, they would still prefer to betray her in the General Election than to simply vote against Obama.
"Hillary's campaign is a historic moment in the American story," commented Ethel Jackson Lee Davis of Hole, Kentucky. "Having the chance to vote against the first serious woman presidential candidate was something me and my Cousin/Brother/Husband were very much looking forward to. She had proven time and time again she was willing to delude herself into reaching out to plain folks like us who have no intention of putting a whore like her in the White House, and that meant alot to us. It let us feel part of a movement against real change in America." After pausing to fearfully flinch from a quick movement her husband made as he reached for the Cheese Whiz, she continued. "Years from now, when my Cousin/Sister/Daughter is all grown up, I looked forward to telling her how we helped keep a woman down. But by his winning the Democratic nomination my dream has become just another thing Senator Obama and his people have taken from us."
But Jackson Lee Davis demurred when asked if she was planning to support Sen. McCain this Fall.
"That Jew? No way!" she said, before her husband punched her for stealing his cigarettes.