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Ordering Breakfast And How It Can Explain What Men And Women Need

Valentine's Day is approaching so I thought it appropriate to tell the story I often do in therapy to help describe a basic difference between the genders. It's actually not simply a difference. More like a lack of understanding.
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Psychologist and Mental Health/Midlife Blogger

Psychologist and Mental Health/Midlife Blogger
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Valentine's Day is approaching so I thought it appropriate to tell the story I often do in therapy to help describe a basic difference between the genders. It's actually not simply a difference. More like a lack of understanding.

It's a story about me and my husband ordering breakfast at Waffle House. Sounds simple. But when I ask both the husbands and the wives who are working with me in marital therapy if their reactions would be the same as ours, there is an overwhelming and astounding "YES" from both genders.

Here's the story. My son Rob and I are leaving home in one car. Meeting my husband at Waffle House for breakfast. He is a few minutes behind us.

Now we have been going to Waffle House since Rob was eating Cheerios from a Ziploc bag. He is now 20. We all eat the same thing every time. Ritualistic dining.

So that day, Rob and I get there first. We say "hi" to Mary, our favorite waitress, and she seats us. We chat and decide to order. I order for my husband as well, knowing of course that he will be there soon. Plus he is starving. As he is seated, I tell him what I have done.

"Well thanks, what did you get?".

"The usual".

"That's great". We go on. Then I start thinking, something we psychologists do a lot. "Just out of curiosity. If I had been the late one, would you have ordered for me?"

He replies flatly. With a bit of chagrin. "No, I wouldn't have."

"Why not?"

The answer is the $10,000 response.

"Because I would have been afraid you would have been mad."

There's the huge difference. "Mad? No! I would have felt cared about and known and adored and remembered and cherished."

A major light bulb went on.

If the woman stops and is objective, what the guy has revealed is that he is afraid of disappointing us. Feeling that he has failed us. That's what he didn't want in the first place.

Drs. Patricia Love and Steve Stosny have written about how to work out these dynamics in their wonderful book on marriage, "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". This book is based on fantastic research and includes practical and tangible guidelines. As I understand what men have told me, it is difficult for men to risk disappointing women, because as a gender they are so invested in pleasing them. So invested in fact that not doing so feels like a tremendous failure. Men basically need affirmation. So they withdraw or get angry if they get the message that they have not been pleasing.

Women on the other hand want to be understood. To know that our guy has us figured out. Knows what makes us tick. When we don't get that understanding, what do we do? The list varies from subtle to dramatic, from passive-aggressive to being demanding.

It can be a horrendous cycle of anger and sadness on the woman's part, leading to withdrawal or anger in men. Leading to more loneliness for the woman. And on it goes.

So what does this have to do with Valentine's Day? Maybe the guys who really "know" their girls are out there picking out the perfect remembrance. Maybe the girls are planning an incredibly affirming experience for their man. However, there may be potential for these reactions to wield their ugly influence. Unless you know about it. Figure it out.

I got a blouse for my 20th wedding anniversary. It was a nice blouse. My spouse received tickets to two days of practice rounds at the Masters Golf Tournament in Augusta, Georgia. Two tickets so that he and his son could have a once-in-a-lifetime experience together. (Now I am rubbing it in.)

I didn't get mad, really I didn't. I didn't get mad because I finally understood the whole risking thing for a guy. It wasn't about me or us at all.

I remembered my Waffle House story.

And actually, the blouse has grown on me.

You can read more of Dr. Margaret at http://drmargaretrutherford.com . You can also receive a free copy of her new eBook, "Second Commandments Of Good Therapy", a basic guide to how you know if your therapy is working and/or how to choose a potential therapist.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

Survey On Post 50s Dating Issues
Religion(01 of05)
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Some 70 percent of men and 59 percent of women age 55+ are willing to date people of other faiths, according to the survey by the online dating site OurTime.com. It's much more important to the younger men: Just 56 percent of those 18 to 34 would date someone of a different religion. Religion was much more important to folks in the West and South than the Northeast. (credit:Alamy)
Race(02 of05)
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Some 46 percent of adults 55+ are open to dating someone of a different race, compared to two-thirds or adults ages 18 to 34. Overall, 65 percent of men are willing to date someone of a different race, compared with 51 percent of women. (credit:Alamy)
Politics(03 of05)
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Some 60 percent of adults age 55+ say they're open to dating outside party lines, compared to 66 percent of those 18 to 34. Politics are a bigger deal in the South than Northeast: two-thirds of the latter were open to crossing political lines, compared with 59 percent of adults in the South. (credit:Getty)
Snooping (04 of05)
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When you suspect your date of bad behavior, spying is a bad idea. About three-quarters of people age 55+ said it's bad form to snoop through a significant other's text messages, voicemails and email to try to confirm suspicious behavior. That compares to just 63 percent of people 18 to 34 and 60 percent of people 35 to 44. (credit:Alamy)
Cheating(05 of05)
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Cheaters get a second chance with older men -- not so much with women. Some 53 percent of women and 35 percent of men are unwilling to working things out with someone who was sexually unfaithful, no matter the circumstance. That compares to 42 percent of adults overall. (credit:Alamy)

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