Here are the top 20 stories of the year that inspire good sex, which we define as conscious and conscientious sexual impulses resulting in consensual activity that positively impacts our communities, our relationships, and ourselves. Good sex is never abusive or exploitative. While ego-driven sex results in arousal that is short-lived, good sex results in eroticism that endures, awakening our souls by connecting us to life. This inspiring list was compiled by me and my fellow clinicians at Center for Healthy Sex, who provided their professional therapeutic slant for these paradigm-shifting stories of 2011.
Sex is more than just an act, a thing to be had. The gift of sexuality shows us a deeper way of being in the world. The values and behaviors we practice in our daily lives become the skills that we bring to the bedroom. There can be no other way: how we are is how we'll be. If we're not true to our own hearts, there's a likely chance we won't be true to our partners, because we can't give what we haven't got.
"I do not trust people who don't love themselves and yet tell me, 'I love you.' There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt."
--Maya Angelou
People who practice power over others instead of with them might very well experience sex only as a power dynamic, which is rather like chugging expensive wine. The gift of the greater subtleties of sex -- and daily life -- are lost on such a person. Sadly, as we often see, addiction to power often results in highly addictive forms of insatiable sex. The sex is insatiable, because if we are serving our own pleasure at the expense of serving life, it is like caging a bird to enjoy its freedom in flight. Sex, like the bird in flight, becomes nothing more than an idea disconnected from a quickly atrophying reality. For sex to be meaningful, that is to say truly satisfying and empowering, we must release expectations and control to bear witness to the flow of healthy, interconnecting love energy that is always at the heart of sex. To commit to good sex, is to commit to shared humanity, a way of life that contributes to the greater good.
"If sex and creativity are often seen by dictators as subversive activities, it's because they lead to the knowledge that you own your own body (and with it your own voice), and that's the most revolutionary insight of all."
--Erica Jong
What healthy sex headlines would you like to see in 2012? Please let us hear from you in the comments. And be sure to vote for your favorite news stories here that embody the principles and values of good sex!
The Year in Good Sex
'Glee' Airs Its 'The First Time' Episode(01 of20)
In parallel storylines, two of Glee's teenage power couples -- Rachel and Finn, Kurt and Blaine -- experience their first time "going all the way." For both Kurt and Rachel, this is a major decision resulting in the loss of their virginity. This controversial episode explores their positive and negative motives and expectations, as well as out-of-control moments of heightened arousal. In the end, these heterosexual and homosexual pairings are intercut in a sweet and sexy montage as the two couples consummate their love, showing both sexual orientations as equally natural expressions.
How did/do you imagine your first time to feel? The exact moment is not always clear for everyone. Traditionally, going all the way refers to penile-vaginal penetration. But certain sexual partners, like lesbians and gay men, may consider losing virginity to be frottage to climax, oral sex, or penetrative vaginal or anal sex, active or receptive. Survivors of sexual abuse may decide to define their first time as consensual sex with the partner of their choice. How much do any of us really make consciously driven choices rather than submitting to the circumstances? It's possible that any and every sexual activity steers our individual psychological patterns toward definite habitual expression and resulting experience. After all, the first impression of any new event sets the standard, and while this will certainly change over time, the very first impression might still overshadow subsequent experiences. I wonder what kind of sexual footprint we are making on our paths.
--By Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., C.S.T., C.S.A.T., Clinical Director of Center for Healthy Sex
How did/do you imagine your first time to feel? The exact moment is not always clear for everyone. Traditionally, going all the way refers to penile-vaginal penetration. But certain sexual partners, like lesbians and gay men, may consider losing virginity to be frottage to climax, oral sex, or penetrative vaginal or anal sex, active or receptive. Survivors of sexual abuse may decide to define their first time as consensual sex with the partner of their choice. How much do any of us really make consciously driven choices rather than submitting to the circumstances? It's possible that any and every sexual activity steers our individual psychological patterns toward definite habitual expression and resulting experience. After all, the first impression of any new event sets the standard, and while this will certainly change over time, the very first impression might still overshadow subsequent experiences. I wonder what kind of sexual footprint we are making on our paths.
--By Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., C.S.T., C.S.A.T., Clinical Director of Center for Healthy Sex
The Royal Wedding Captivates The World(02 of20)
What was it that captivated the world this time about the royal union of Catherine Middleton and Prince William? Society at large falls fast and hard for a puritanical love story, especially one with so much pomp and circumstance. Much was made of the status of Kate as a commoner marrying into the aristocracy. Their lengthy, 10-year courtship was unheard of in the royal family, earning Kate the nickname "Waity Katie." After all, William's parents, Prince Charles and Princess Diana, were already engaged after dating for a mere six months. Perhaps with the fateful demise of the immensely public and unhappy marriage of Charles and Di overshadowing the events, this young couple offers a restored sense of hope and relational sobriety.
Like many living under the microscope of the media, it will be interesting to see how this affects their relationship over the long haul. Poise and grace have seemingly been their M.O. thus far, and because of their status as royalty, the public at large prefers to keep them on the pedestal. Certainly, the pair must adhere to rules that are not required of everyday couples, and I wonder how Catherine will maintain or foster her sense of autonomy with such strong ties to her newly acquired family. Will it create resentment or be a catalyst for self-growth? We shall wait and see...
--By Cindy Shadel, M.A., Partners Specialist at Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo/Lefteris Pitarakis) (credit:AP)
Like many living under the microscope of the media, it will be interesting to see how this affects their relationship over the long haul. Poise and grace have seemingly been their M.O. thus far, and because of their status as royalty, the public at large prefers to keep them on the pedestal. Certainly, the pair must adhere to rules that are not required of everyday couples, and I wonder how Catherine will maintain or foster her sense of autonomy with such strong ties to her newly acquired family. Will it create resentment or be a catalyst for self-growth? We shall wait and see...
--By Cindy Shadel, M.A., Partners Specialist at Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo/Lefteris Pitarakis) (credit:AP)
First Couple Engages In PDA... Again And Again(03 of20)
It has been well documented that President Obama and his wife Michelle engage in more public displays of affection than most other sitting presidents in the public eye. Pictures of the couple with their arms around each other, romantic glances at one another, and giving each other sweet pecks on the lips have been consistently shown on television and the Internet. The couple displays through their sweet yet appropriate physical interactions that they are very much in love and are keeping the romance alive, even with their busy lifestyle.
It is so refreshing to see a president and his wife acting romantically with one another for all to see. The Obamas are the first "First Couple" in a very long time who don't seem to be posing for the cameras whenever we see them together. Their style is relaxed, flirtatious, respectful, and loving, and it provides us with a wonderful model of how we can all be with our partners. As children, we learn from what is modeled for us, and it is great to see that the children of our country can observe and learn from a healthy physical interaction that shows us that parents and extremely busy adults can still keep the romance alive. This presidential couple seems very much in love, and we get to be a part of that by observing their apparently authentic public interactions.
--By Greg Woodhill, M.A., Sex Addiction Specialist at Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais) (credit:AP)
It is so refreshing to see a president and his wife acting romantically with one another for all to see. The Obamas are the first "First Couple" in a very long time who don't seem to be posing for the cameras whenever we see them together. Their style is relaxed, flirtatious, respectful, and loving, and it provides us with a wonderful model of how we can all be with our partners. As children, we learn from what is modeled for us, and it is great to see that the children of our country can observe and learn from a healthy physical interaction that shows us that parents and extremely busy adults can still keep the romance alive. This presidential couple seems very much in love, and we get to be a part of that by observing their apparently authentic public interactions.
--By Greg Woodhill, M.A., Sex Addiction Specialist at Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais) (credit:AP)
Pregnancy News Abounds(04 of20)
2011 was not a year in which Angelina Jolie adopted or gave birth to a child. In the void that was thus created, several other celebrities announced their own baby bumps. Congratulations to all of them, as well as to all those non-celeb women who had babies this year; we hope they and their babies are all healthy and happy. And while having babies is nothing new, this year also brought forth to the public eye some interesting aspects of baby-making. On the one hand, we heard presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee call Natalie Portman out for being pregnant outside of marriage in a way that gives a "distorted image" of single motherhood to the regular working mom. On the other hand, we watched as new mums and moms in both the U.K. and the U.S., upset at being aggressively told not to breastfeed their babies in public, staged breastfeeding flash mobs in protest.
Certainly this is all a far cry from the images of pregnancy and motherhood that were portrayed in the 1950s. A woman's "delicate condition" was rarely spoken about then, and sex and pregnancy would certainly not be alluded to on television. Now, however, it is very different. Pregnancy has become so part of the mainstream dialogue over the past several years that it is often appropriated for personal and political statements.
--By Shereen Hariri, M.F.T., Sex Therapist at Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo/Chris Pizzello | Ap Photo/Matt Sayles)
Certainly this is all a far cry from the images of pregnancy and motherhood that were portrayed in the 1950s. A woman's "delicate condition" was rarely spoken about then, and sex and pregnancy would certainly not be alluded to on television. Now, however, it is very different. Pregnancy has become so part of the mainstream dialogue over the past several years that it is often appropriated for personal and political statements.
--By Shereen Hariri, M.F.T., Sex Therapist at Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo/Chris Pizzello | Ap Photo/Matt Sayles)
'Don't Ask Don't Tell' Repeal Goes Into Effect(05 of20)
Sept. 20 marked the end of the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy for gays serving in the military, allowing service members to now openly acknowledge their sexual orientation. According to a written statement by President Obama, "patriotic Americans in uniform will no longer have to lie about who they are in order to serve the country they love." Armed with personal truth, authentic selves willingly shared with each other, is there any greater psychological indication of sexual health and goodness?
With a newfound freedom to openly discuss their sexuality, gay and lesbian service members began coming out in a variety of ways. While some preferred to come out only to close family and friends, other service members participated in a news conference in which they publicly announced their sexual orientation to the nation. Highlights of the repeal of DADT include the soldier who came out to his father on YouTube, and Navy Lt. Gary Ross, who was finally able to wed his partner in the state of Vermont the evening of the repeal. The year of the DADT repeal culminated in a welcome-home kiss unlike any other the Navy has ever seen. In the longtime Navy tradition in which raffle tickets are sold in order to be the first off the ship for a public embrace, this year's winner was a lesbian couple -- Petty Officer 2nd Class Marissa Gaeta and Petty Officer 3rd Class Citlalic Snell -- ultimately sealing the end of DADT with a true loving kiss.
--By Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., C.S.T., C.S.A.T., Clinical Director of Center for Healthy Sex
With a newfound freedom to openly discuss their sexuality, gay and lesbian service members began coming out in a variety of ways. While some preferred to come out only to close family and friends, other service members participated in a news conference in which they publicly announced their sexual orientation to the nation. Highlights of the repeal of DADT include the soldier who came out to his father on YouTube, and Navy Lt. Gary Ross, who was finally able to wed his partner in the state of Vermont the evening of the repeal. The year of the DADT repeal culminated in a welcome-home kiss unlike any other the Navy has ever seen. In the longtime Navy tradition in which raffle tickets are sold in order to be the first off the ship for a public embrace, this year's winner was a lesbian couple -- Petty Officer 2nd Class Marissa Gaeta and Petty Officer 3rd Class Citlalic Snell -- ultimately sealing the end of DADT with a true loving kiss.
--By Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., C.S.T., C.S.A.T., Clinical Director of Center for Healthy Sex
Partners Handle Public Splits With Dignity(06 of20)
It's painful to be the partner of a sexual deceiver or sex addict. Infidelity and addiction do not discriminate, and partners also come from every background, nationality, religion, race, and gender. While their divorces made it on our list of 2011 bad sex stories, the healthy way these particular women handled themselves during their splits puts the example they set for partners on our list of good sex in 2011. In the cases of Demi Moore and Maria Shriver, their relationships crumbled before their eyes and the media, but they handled the press with dignity and grace in thoughtfully worded public statements. In the wake of infidelity, both women were steadfast in protecting their children and maintaining low profiles rather than turning their upside-down marriages into a media circus of he-said/she-said. As for Denise Richards, while her original divorce was anything but civil, she has clearly come a long way since. With her ex-husband winding down a spiral of sexual infamy, Richards told ABC News that she cannot change him -- a crucial realization for partners -- and that despite any hard feelings she may have toward her ex, it was important for their children that she maintain a functional relationship with Sheen while also protecting her girls from any potentially toxic situations. Clearly, Richards has done some personal work on creating healthy boundaries for her and her children.
The truth is, many partners, these women included, are probably still in shock or just beginning to feel the sadness and loss of it all. The real measure of the effect this has had on the women and children in these families might not be seen or felt for quite some time. Many partners find it difficult to dig deeply within and ask, "What drove me into this relationship with this person?"
--By Cindy Shadel, M.A., Partners Specialist at Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo/Peter Kramer | AP Photo/Evan Agostini | AP Photo/NBC, Peter Kramer)
The truth is, many partners, these women included, are probably still in shock or just beginning to feel the sadness and loss of it all. The real measure of the effect this has had on the women and children in these families might not be seen or felt for quite some time. Many partners find it difficult to dig deeply within and ask, "What drove me into this relationship with this person?"
--By Cindy Shadel, M.A., Partners Specialist at Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo/Peter Kramer | AP Photo/Evan Agostini | AP Photo/NBC, Peter Kramer)
Nobel Peace Prize Awarded To Women's Rights Activists(07 of20)
On Human Rights Day, three women who fought injustice and sexual violence in Liberia and Yemen were awarded the Nobel Peace Price for emblematizing the struggle for "human rights in general and of women for equality and peace in particular." No woman had won the Nobel Peace Prize since 2004. The chairman of the Nobel committee stated, "We cannot achieve democracy and lasting peace in the world unless women acquire the same opportunities as men to influence developments at all levels of society." Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, Africa's first democratically elected female president, shared the award with Liberian women's rights campaigner Leymah Gbowee and Tawakkul Karman, a female icon of the protest movement in Yemen and the first Arab woman to win the prize and the youngest peace laureate ever. "We used our pains, broken bodies and scarred emotions to confront the injustices and terror of our nation," said Gbowee in her Nobel address.
The Nobel Peace Prize is, in itself, emblematic of our highest humane ideals practiced upon this planet. Through this year's award, we collectively affirm the necessity of involving women in the peacemaking process. As Gbowee so eloquently states, the suffering and trauma that we each endure become the tools we wield to connect with greater justice and freedom for all.
--By Caroline Frost, M.F.T., Sex Addiction Specialist at Center for Healthy Sex (credit:Flickr:Utenriksdept)
The Nobel Peace Prize is, in itself, emblematic of our highest humane ideals practiced upon this planet. Through this year's award, we collectively affirm the necessity of involving women in the peacemaking process. As Gbowee so eloquently states, the suffering and trauma that we each endure become the tools we wield to connect with greater justice and freedom for all.
--By Caroline Frost, M.F.T., Sex Addiction Specialist at Center for Healthy Sex (credit:Flickr:Utenriksdept)
Gay Parenting Goes Viral(08 of20)
The subject of gay couples being parents has been brought to light this year, with many well-known viral videos circulating both in favor of and against gay couples as parents. Facebook and YouTube were used to circulate a very popular video in which Zach Wahls speaks publicly about his two lesbian parents and how having these two women as his parents has positively shaped his life. It is becoming well known that a gay couple faces many restrictions in adopting a child that heterosexual couples do not.
In our culture, the subject of gay marriage and gay couple adoption is one of the most heated debates that we hear about in the political news. More and more, couples are coming forward and allowing their voices to be heard in order to combat the religious assertions that gay parents will somehow ruin or pervert a child's life. It is important that we as a society hear from all sides of an issue, and that we get a steady dose of the fact that love, affection, and positive regard are the most important aspects in a child's development, regardless of the gender of either parent. Gay parents have to jump through many hoops that heterosexual couples do not in order to adopt, and their will to love and nurture is being put front and center for us to look at and take a stand with our own feelings toward this heated issue.
--By Greg Woodhill, M.A., Sex Addiction Specialist at Center for Healthy Sex
In our culture, the subject of gay marriage and gay couple adoption is one of the most heated debates that we hear about in the political news. More and more, couples are coming forward and allowing their voices to be heard in order to combat the religious assertions that gay parents will somehow ruin or pervert a child's life. It is important that we as a society hear from all sides of an issue, and that we get a steady dose of the fact that love, affection, and positive regard are the most important aspects in a child's development, regardless of the gender of either parent. Gay parents have to jump through many hoops that heterosexual couples do not in order to adopt, and their will to love and nurture is being put front and center for us to look at and take a stand with our own feelings toward this heated issue.
--By Greg Woodhill, M.A., Sex Addiction Specialist at Center for Healthy Sex
FBI Redefines Rape(09 of20)
It only took 87 years, but the FBI finally agreed on an updated definition for rape. Here's the updated version: "Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration of a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim." The 1927 definition of rape as "carnal knowledge of a female, forcibly and against her will" is dated at best, inadequate and inapplicable at worst. The updated definition should result in more accurate national statistics compared to states' data, leading to greater federal resources.
Unfortunately, sex crimes are still seriously underreported, and the burden of proof largely rests on the shoulders of the traumatized victim, who often just gives up. With overcrowding in the prisons, we're likely to see fewer perpetrators convicted of these crimes, and fewer going to prison for them. What good is a definition if we don't have a system to back it up?
--By Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., C.S.T., C.S.A.T., Clinical Director of Center for Healthy Sex (credit:Flickr:cliff1066™)
Unfortunately, sex crimes are still seriously underreported, and the burden of proof largely rests on the shoulders of the traumatized victim, who often just gives up. With overcrowding in the prisons, we're likely to see fewer perpetrators convicted of these crimes, and fewer going to prison for them. What good is a definition if we don't have a system to back it up?
--By Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., C.S.T., C.S.A.T., Clinical Director of Center for Healthy Sex (credit:Flickr:cliff1066™)
International Gay Rights Take Center Stage(10 of20)
Major worldwide progress was made in recognizing gay rights this year. Gay liberation clearly results in good sex for the LGBT community, and the QA (Questioning and Allies) communities, too, and even the homophobic communities, for where there is injustice for one, there is injustice for all. We are links in one chain, and the slightest wrongful disturbance subconsciously affects all the relationships within it.
The U.N. issued their first report ever on the issue of gay rights, calling on governments to protect LGBT people, prosecute all serious violations, and repeal discriminatory laws. Currently 76 countries have laws that are used to criminalize behavior on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity, it said, calling for their repeal. "In at least five countries, the death penalty may be applied to those found guilty of offences relating to consensual, adult homosexual conduct," the U.N. report said.
The Obama administration announced that it will use foreign aid to promote global rights for gays and lesbians, directing U.S. agencies to protect gay and lesbian refugees and those who are seeking asylum. President Obama circulated a memo stating, "I am deeply concerned by the violence and discrimination targeting L.G.B.T. [lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender] persons around the world, whether it is passing laws that criminalize L.G.B.T. status, beating citizens simply for joining peaceful L.G.B.T. pride celebrations, or killing men, women and children for their perceived sexual orientation."
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton delivered a landmark speech to the U.N. on Dec. 6, closing with this statement: "And finally, to LGBT men and women worldwide, let me say this: wherever you live and whatever the circumstances of your life, whether you are connected to a network of support or feel isolated and vulnerable, please know that you are not alone. People around the globe are working hard to support you and to bring an end to the injustices and dangers you face. That is certainly true for my country. And you have an ally in the United States of America, and you have millions of friends among the American people."
--By Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., C.S.T., C.S.A.T., Clinical Director of Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo)
The U.N. issued their first report ever on the issue of gay rights, calling on governments to protect LGBT people, prosecute all serious violations, and repeal discriminatory laws. Currently 76 countries have laws that are used to criminalize behavior on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity, it said, calling for their repeal. "In at least five countries, the death penalty may be applied to those found guilty of offences relating to consensual, adult homosexual conduct," the U.N. report said.
The Obama administration announced that it will use foreign aid to promote global rights for gays and lesbians, directing U.S. agencies to protect gay and lesbian refugees and those who are seeking asylum. President Obama circulated a memo stating, "I am deeply concerned by the violence and discrimination targeting L.G.B.T. [lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender] persons around the world, whether it is passing laws that criminalize L.G.B.T. status, beating citizens simply for joining peaceful L.G.B.T. pride celebrations, or killing men, women and children for their perceived sexual orientation."
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton delivered a landmark speech to the U.N. on Dec. 6, closing with this statement: "And finally, to LGBT men and women worldwide, let me say this: wherever you live and whatever the circumstances of your life, whether you are connected to a network of support or feel isolated and vulnerable, please know that you are not alone. People around the globe are working hard to support you and to bring an end to the injustices and dangers you face. That is certainly true for my country. And you have an ally in the United States of America, and you have millions of friends among the American people."
--By Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., C.S.T., C.S.A.T., Clinical Director of Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo)
Transgender Rights Gain Media Visibility(11 of20)
Chaz Bono persevered through boycott threats to compete on Dancing with the Stars, Australian model Andrej Pejic graced magazine covers and catwalks, and Anna Grodzka became the first transgender member of Polish Parliament. Transgender children made headlines when the Girl Scouts of Colorado welcomed Bobby Montoya, and an engrossingBoston Globe profile on twins Nicole and Jonas Maines revealed the biological benefits of early intervention through responsible psychological evaluations and puberty blockers where appropriate. There were legislative victories, too, as the Massachusetts legislature passed the Transgender Equal Rights Bill, which not only adds protections to the state's civil rights laws against employment, education, housing, and credit discrimination but also adds gender identity and expression to the state's hate crimes law. This is the first time the bill has made it to a vote since first being introduced in 2007. According to a 2011 study by the Williams Institute, roughly 33,000 people in Massachusetts identify as transgender. Democratic Governor Deval Patrick signed the bill into law in November, making Massachusetts the 16th state to enact such a law.
However in 2011, there were at least 23 more lives lost to anti-transgender hate, including seven in the United States. We must affirm equal rights for transgender people and ensure that true identities prevail.
--By Shereen Hariri, M.F.T., Sex Therapist at Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo/Chris Pizzello | AP Photo/Andre Penner)
However in 2011, there were at least 23 more lives lost to anti-transgender hate, including seven in the United States. We must affirm equal rights for transgender people and ensure that true identities prevail.
--By Shereen Hariri, M.F.T., Sex Therapist at Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo/Chris Pizzello | AP Photo/Andre Penner)
Women's Rights See Some Progress(12 of20)
Anand Grover, the United Nations Special Rapporteur on the right to health, issued a report on reproductive health urging the decriminalization of laws and legal restrictions that reduced or denied access to family planning goods and services, including emergency contraception, that reflected discriminatory notions of women's roles in the family and society. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton signed a document calling for developing countries to clear the way for women to hold leadership roles, promoting the U.N. Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women (CEDAW). In Afghanistan, President Karzai pardoned a rape victim known only as Gulnaz, who had already served two years of a 12-year sentence for "forced adultery" -- being raped outside of wedlock. The pardon was issued on the condition that Gulnaz marry her rapist. After international protest, Karzai uncharacteristically consented to release Gulnaz from jail without condition, which many hope will set a precedent for lower courts in Afghanistan.
What do you think: is this progress? The atrocities committed against women continue unabated all over the world. Change is incremental at best. Healthy sex results from healthy relationships, which are made possible by healthy policies and committed observance that protect all people. When we feel like our own relationships are out of balance, maybe it's because there is ample evidence of imbalance everywhere we look -- if we have eyes to see. What practical, consistent actions can each of us take, every day, to restore value, freedom, and integrity to all the women in our lives?
--By Caroline Frost, M.F.T., Sex Addiction Specialist at Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo/Rahmat Gul) (credit:AP)
What do you think: is this progress? The atrocities committed against women continue unabated all over the world. Change is incremental at best. Healthy sex results from healthy relationships, which are made possible by healthy policies and committed observance that protect all people. When we feel like our own relationships are out of balance, maybe it's because there is ample evidence of imbalance everywhere we look -- if we have eyes to see. What practical, consistent actions can each of us take, every day, to restore value, freedom, and integrity to all the women in our lives?
--By Caroline Frost, M.F.T., Sex Addiction Specialist at Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo/Rahmat Gul) (credit:AP)
NYC Mandates Sex Education In Public Schools(13 of20)
The Bloomberg administration set new policy requiring New York City public middle and high schools to teach sex education that, in turn, set off an expected controversy. According to the Guttmacher Institute, only 21 states currently mandate sex education, while one in four teenagers learned about abstinence from 2006 to 2008 without receiving any further instruction regarding contraceptive methods.
We are at a critical time in a pornographic culture where the dominant authoritative response to teenage sexual growth is abstinence. This only emphasizes the disconnect between potential healthy role models and our teenagers, who largely turn to popular culture for social and sexual cues, with disastrous results. Wherever ideology trumps factual information, children are the ones who will suffer.
--By Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., C.S.T., C.S.A.T., Clinical Director of Center for Healthy Sex
We are at a critical time in a pornographic culture where the dominant authoritative response to teenage sexual growth is abstinence. This only emphasizes the disconnect between potential healthy role models and our teenagers, who largely turn to popular culture for social and sexual cues, with disastrous results. Wherever ideology trumps factual information, children are the ones who will suffer.
--By Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., C.S.T., C.S.A.T., Clinical Director of Center for Healthy Sex
'Shame' Explores Sex Addiction(14 of20)
The 2011 British drama Shame has caught the attention of many people in the media for its gritty and explicit portrayal of the life of a sex addict. Michael Fassbender, who plays "Brandon" in the film, has been heavily touted as a best-actor candidate in many major award shows, which has put this film on the radar in many artistic circles. Its NC-17 rating may keep many people from viewing the film, but it is already generating a lot of buzz in the cinema world.
This film is a tough look at the powerlessness and unmanageability of sexual compulsion and addiction in the lives of those who struggle with it. The film contains a great deal of nudity and explicit sexual scenes, but happily, these scenes are not glorified, nor do they make the viewer wish he or she were participating in them. The undercurrent of this film is the extreme pain and unhappiness that the lead character experiences, and this sheds light on how powerful of an addiction sex can be. The fact that this film is well-made and well-acted has given it great power in bringing the message of the horrific effects of sexual compulsivity to the mainstream public, without the mocking undertones of a celebrity sex scandal.
--By Greg Woodhill, M.A., Sex Addiction Specialist at Center for Healthy Sex
This film is a tough look at the powerlessness and unmanageability of sexual compulsion and addiction in the lives of those who struggle with it. The film contains a great deal of nudity and explicit sexual scenes, but happily, these scenes are not glorified, nor do they make the viewer wish he or she were participating in them. The undercurrent of this film is the extreme pain and unhappiness that the lead character experiences, and this sheds light on how powerful of an addiction sex can be. The fact that this film is well-made and well-acted has given it great power in bringing the message of the horrific effects of sexual compulsivity to the mainstream public, without the mocking undertones of a celebrity sex scandal.
--By Greg Woodhill, M.A., Sex Addiction Specialist at Center for Healthy Sex
ASAM Includes Sex Addiction(15 of20)
In August the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) released a new definition of addiction after a four-year process that involved the deliberation of over 80 experts. ASAM, a historically conservative organization, declared addiction as a brain disorder. Research shows that addiction affects the brain's reward circuitry, including the circuitry that governs impulse control and judgment. As a result of ASAM's investigation into these areas, sex is now considered an addiction.
Sex, in and of itself, is never a problem. The abuse of sex can be problematic. When people engage in out-of-control sexual behaviors that are causing emotional pain and "messes" in a person's life, they're likely addicted. It's important that people get help in a non-judgmental, non-shaming environment so that they can not only stop the destructive sexual behaviors but restore their dignity and discover what healthy, good sex is for them.
--By Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., C.S.T., C.S.A.T., Clinical Director of Center for Healthy Sex
Sex, in and of itself, is never a problem. The abuse of sex can be problematic. When people engage in out-of-control sexual behaviors that are causing emotional pain and "messes" in a person's life, they're likely addicted. It's important that people get help in a non-judgmental, non-shaming environment so that they can not only stop the destructive sexual behaviors but restore their dignity and discover what healthy, good sex is for them.
--By Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., C.S.T., C.S.A.T., Clinical Director of Center for Healthy Sex
Public Figures Come Out(16 of20)
Celebrities are coming out, and this year's batch included Playboy Club and Firefly actor Sean Maher, CNN Newsroom weekend anchor Don Lemon, and Star Trek and Heroes star Zachary Quinto. Following his gay revelation in New York Magazine, Quinto made a video for the "It Gets Better" campaign, stating, "[I]t became clear to me in an instant that living a gay life without publicly acknowledging it is simply not enough to make any significant contribution to the immense work that lies ahead on the road to complete equality. Our society needs to recognize the unstoppable momentum toward unequivocal civil equality for every gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender citizen of this country. ... I believe in the power of intention to change the landscape of our society, and it is my intention to live an authentic life of compassion and integrity and action."
The more a person can become their authentic self, the happier they'll be. People tend to thrive when they can express their true selves. Each person who comes out creates more equality for others who want to be able to be authentic, gay or otherwise.
--By Shereen Hariri, M.F.T., Sex Therapist at Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo/CNN | AP Photo/Dan Steinberg)
The more a person can become their authentic self, the happier they'll be. People tend to thrive when they can express their true selves. Each person who comes out creates more equality for others who want to be able to be authentic, gay or otherwise.
--By Shereen Hariri, M.F.T., Sex Therapist at Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo/CNN | AP Photo/Dan Steinberg)
OWN, The Oprah Winfrey Network, Debuts(17 of20)
First the bad news: Oprah Winfrey ended her 15-year run hosting The Oprah Winfrey Show, the award-winning talk show that changed the landscape of American daytime television and the way we discuss and share the intimate details of our lives in authentic and humane ways -- not to overhype the oft-heralded "talk-show goddess."
The good news is that Winfrey went on and created an entire Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) this year, with many shows dedicated to psychological, sexual, and social issues. The new network seems to be still finding its audience, but we have every confidence that television is better with Oprah working on it. Her own personal arc throughout her career, with an early focus on tabloid sensationalism transformed by her observant experience into a holistic platform for interpersonal support-building and the spirituality of personal intimacy, is a healthy relational model for any of us as individuals, and certainly for our sensation-addicted society.
--By Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., C.S.T., C.S.A.T., Clinical Director of Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo/OWN, George Burns) (credit:AP)
The good news is that Winfrey went on and created an entire Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) this year, with many shows dedicated to psychological, sexual, and social issues. The new network seems to be still finding its audience, but we have every confidence that television is better with Oprah working on it. Her own personal arc throughout her career, with an early focus on tabloid sensationalism transformed by her observant experience into a holistic platform for interpersonal support-building and the spirituality of personal intimacy, is a healthy relational model for any of us as individuals, and certainly for our sensation-addicted society.
--By Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., C.S.T., C.S.A.T., Clinical Director of Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo/OWN, George Burns) (credit:AP)
Media Narrative Of Sex Scandals Finds Some Nuance(18 of20)
A Pew Research Center survey in June indicated that a majority of Americans believe greater scrutiny instead of lower moral standards are the chief cause for the prominence of sex scandals in the media. To state this in other terms, sexual misbehavior has always been present in society, but it's just harder to keep it secret.
In 2011 news outlets did not shy away from reporting and investigating sex scandals. Entertainment and talk shows like The Daily Show and The View continued to explore the subtleties of these situations, providing important distinctions that often enlightened the media narrative. Amid a sexual harassment controversy, Herman Cain joked about getting a campaign endorsement from Anita Hill. Of course, Anita Hill made headlines in 1991 for similar allegations of sexual harassment against Clarence Thomas, then a nominee for the Supreme Court, which polarized the public and the media before the full advent of the Internet and the possibility of public expression through personal blogs. This awkward Cain reference prompted many pundits to examine how far we've come as a society in discussing such significant sexual issues, and how much farther we have to go.
--By Caroline Frost, M.F.T., Sex Addiction Specialist at Center for Healthy Sex
In 2011 news outlets did not shy away from reporting and investigating sex scandals. Entertainment and talk shows like The Daily Show and The View continued to explore the subtleties of these situations, providing important distinctions that often enlightened the media narrative. Amid a sexual harassment controversy, Herman Cain joked about getting a campaign endorsement from Anita Hill. Of course, Anita Hill made headlines in 1991 for similar allegations of sexual harassment against Clarence Thomas, then a nominee for the Supreme Court, which polarized the public and the media before the full advent of the Internet and the possibility of public expression through personal blogs. This awkward Cain reference prompted many pundits to examine how far we've come as a society in discussing such significant sexual issues, and how much farther we have to go.
--By Caroline Frost, M.F.T., Sex Addiction Specialist at Center for Healthy Sex
Gay Marriage Advocates See Major Progress(19 of20)
In February President Obama and the U.S. Attorney General concluded that the so-called Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) was unconstitutional, refusing to defend it in court, while the Department of Justice filed a powerful brief describing the government's role in a long, painful history of discrimination against homosexuals. Unfortunately, this discriminatory law is currently being defended by legal counsel hired by the GOP leadership of the House of Representatives. As the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell officially went into effect, Navy Lt. Gary Ross and his partner, together for 11 years, were married at the stroke of midnight before a small group of friends and family. And same-sex marriage became legal in New York by a vote of 33 to 29 in the state senate. The law was signed by Governor Cuomo that day and went into effect July 24. Phyllis Siegel, 77, and Connie Kopelov, 85, together for 23 years, were the first to marry at the city clerk's office as a crowd of onlookers cheered. Exclaimed Siegel, "This is the first day of the rest of our lives."
These changes are indicative of the direction marriage is headed in our country. The closer we move to nationally legalizing same-sex marriage, the more we can help reduce the shame surrounding the LGBTQ community. Hopefully, this will parlay into normalizing the difficulty in seeking treatment for sex and love addiction. These addictions are rampant in both the heterosexual and homosexual communities, and it will be interesting to see if there is an influx of LGBTQ individuals entering treatment for sex addiction as marriage is legalized and more couples take the plunge.
--By Cindy Shadel, M.A., Partners Specialist at Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo/Toby Talbot | AP Photo/Jason DeCrow)
These changes are indicative of the direction marriage is headed in our country. The closer we move to nationally legalizing same-sex marriage, the more we can help reduce the shame surrounding the LGBTQ community. Hopefully, this will parlay into normalizing the difficulty in seeking treatment for sex and love addiction. These addictions are rampant in both the heterosexual and homosexual communities, and it will be interesting to see if there is an influx of LGBTQ individuals entering treatment for sex addiction as marriage is legalized and more couples take the plunge.
--By Cindy Shadel, M.A., Partners Specialist at Center for Healthy Sex (AP Photo/Toby Talbot | AP Photo/Jason DeCrow)
Photographer Captures Now-Famous Vancouver Riot Kiss(20 of20)
First the photo appeared: a couple in the throes of passion surrounded by riot police and tear gas during the Vancouver riots. The photo quickly went viral. A few days later the back story surfaced when the couple was revealed: Scott Jones and Alex Thomas witnessed the NHL final game and the violence following the loss. Alex was knocked to the ground by a police shield, and Scott was attempting to comfort her when the photo was snapped.
Isn't it a wonder that the truth behind this iconic photo reveals such goodwill and tenderness? Isn't this the real purpose of healthy sex, to show our personal appreciation and intimate caring for one another through kisses and caresses, intention and prosody? And aren't we lucky to live in a world where we can get a true glimpse of this -- even if only for a moment at a time? The more that we document these precious glimpses of positive relating, the more they will become alive within us setting the foundation for a healthier shared reality.
--By Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., C.S.T., C.S.A.T., Clinical Director of Center for Healthy Sex
Check out The Year in Bad Sex!
(credit:Flickr:paz.ca)
Isn't it a wonder that the truth behind this iconic photo reveals such goodwill and tenderness? Isn't this the real purpose of healthy sex, to show our personal appreciation and intimate caring for one another through kisses and caresses, intention and prosody? And aren't we lucky to live in a world where we can get a true glimpse of this -- even if only for a moment at a time? The more that we document these precious glimpses of positive relating, the more they will become alive within us setting the foundation for a healthier shared reality.
--By Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., C.S.T., C.S.A.T., Clinical Director of Center for Healthy Sex
Check out The Year in Bad Sex!
(credit:Flickr:paz.ca)
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