In marriage, you have two choices. You can either let the minutiae of wedded life bore you to death, or you can laugh at the fact that spouses everywhere are dealing with the same crap you are.
If you constantly have to remind your spouse of the Amazon Prime password, have questions about their suspiciously long bathroom trips or find yourself begging them once again to please, get rid of those ratty old T-shirts, you’re certainly not alone.
Below, we’ve gathered 29 hilariously accurate tweets that we hope will give you a good laugh:
I know I said for better or for worse, but my husband came home with rice cakes for lunch and I just don't see any coming back from that.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) September 30, 2019
There are two kinds of people at Lowe’s
— Mrs. Spooky Campfire Stories 👻 (@mrs_campfire) August 24, 2019
My Husband: [concentrating very intently on lightbulbs]
Me: [having wandered to Halloween aisle] WOW LOOK AT THIS INFLATABLE DRAGON
My wife heard a noise downstairs and woke me up to go check it out. Because apparently my life doesn't matter.
— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) August 24, 2019
Me: Do you love me?
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 26, 2019
Husband: What did you break this time?
[ going out ]
— Taming Fright Savage (@FredTaming) September 21, 2019
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
You know you’re in a fight with your husband when you walk past a photo of him and roll your eyes at it.
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) September 19, 2019
[My funeral]
— Ghoulish Little Greg 🧟♂️ (@DaddyGrownup) September 18, 2019
Husband: hey... what's our Amazon Prime password?
I often wonder if there's some hidden door to a new world in the bathroom like in Chronicles of Narnia that my husband enters when he says he's going to the bathroom.
— 🎃 Stay at Homies 🎃 (@stayathomies) September 20, 2019
So this one time I lied and told my husband we were having people over for dinner and bought all sorts of really nice and expensive booze, food, and snacks that I normally wouldn't buy just for us and then I lied again and said they cancelled we may as well eat all this food
— Vision BOOOOred 👻 (@VisionBored1) September 28, 2019
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) September 24, 2019
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Husband: there's a bag of avocado in the freezer, do you still want it?
— Ｍｏｍｚｉｌｌａ (@milliondollrfam) August 31, 2019
Me: Uh yes. I need it for smoothies. pic.twitter.com/ieGhCa7LSL
Sure J. Lo can wear an outfit she wore 20 years ago and it’s “stunning” but I do it and my wife’s all “I thought I asked you to throw out that t-shirt.”
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 21, 2019
My husband texted from the bathroom asking for more toilet paper so I sent him a picture of the empty coffee container he left for me. I guess we both want what we can't have this morning.
— Trace of Bass (@the_migglest) August 24, 2019
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) September 26, 2019
Wife: Get a slightly squishy avocado at the grocery store but not too squishy.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) September 23, 2019
Me: Ok.
[grocery store]
Me: [staring at 439 avocados]
[home]
Wife: Where’s my avocado?
Me: They were out.
Me: IT'S TIME TO PREPARE THE BLOOD CHALICE FOR THE LUNAR SACRIFICE!!
— Not much of a Haunted Housewife (@notmuchofahw) September 24, 2019
Husband: Ok....but, do you need to say that EVERY time you sterilize your Diva Cup?
I don't care how old my husband is, it's impossible for him to see an airplane without pointing and saying, "Look, a plane."
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) September 25, 2019
Wife: *moves my shirts from the bottom of the drawer to the top of the drawer*
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) September 25, 2019
Me: Hey new shirts!
I think the most magical thing about my husband is his inability to close a Ziploc bag.
— Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) September 27, 2019
My husband just called pizza rolls pizza burritos and I didn’t even know I married a genius until now.
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) September 27, 2019
“Someone finds love every 14 minutes on E-Harmony.”
— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) October 1, 2019
[checking on my wife every 13:50]
You good, babe? Need a snack? Love you! ˢᵗᵃʸ ᵒᶠᶠ ᵗʰᵉ ᶦⁿᵗᵉʳⁿᵉᵗ
When my wife said, “you need to donate some of your clothes” she meant “clothes that she didn’t buy me”
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 13, 2019
I know this now.
It’s going to be 93° today and my wife is putting on a scarf like she can just make fall happen on her own.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 30, 2019
Reason my husband does the grocery shopping is because I would probably come home with cheese and a llama.
— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) April 7, 2019
Me: *tries to lower carbon footprint*
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) September 29, 2019
Wife: *single handedly destroys the planet with aggressive toilet paper use*
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 26, 2019
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
But who will be angrier about my use of confetti on outdoor tables on a windy day: my wife or my neighbors?
— A Literal Dump Truck (@marthasa1) August 11, 2019
My husband and I have been together for 31yrs because he lacks the ability to tell when a melon is ripe.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) September 28, 2019
Grocery roulette is when you're unclear about an item on the list your wife gave you but instead of calling you make an educated guess and bring it home anyway.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 23, 2019
Before You Go
