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Why I Want To Be A Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader At 52

I was propped up in the Emergency Room at Long Island College Hospital, my right leg swollen, a bull's eye forming underneath my calf from a tick bite when I decided to audition for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. As a 52-year-old mother of two, I figured my odds of making the team were good and that this mid-life crisis was going to be easier than my first.
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Lecturer of Expository Writing, NYU

Lecturer of Expository Writing, NYU
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I was propped up in the Emergency Room at Long Island College Hospital, my right leg swollen, a bull's eye forming underneath my calf from a tick bite when I decided to audition for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. As a 52-year-old mother of two, I figured my odds of making the team were good and that this mid-life crisis was going to be easier than my first. A decade earlier, I had wanted to be Cher and have locks that tumbled to my waist so I had 18 inches of Indian hair melded to my head. For a while I looked good until I brushed my extensions so much that they fell out in clumps.

The triage unit was ideal for contemplation. A drug addict was chained to a bed beside me and a cop was stationed in our room. Compared to the convict, I was lucky. All I had to do was take antibiotics, find a trainer, and audition with 1,000 other girls, (average age 21) none of whom dyed their hair every three weeks to hide the grey. I decided to wait until I got home before I told my daughters, my beleaguered husband, and my German Shepherds.

"Mom, you're insane," my 21-year-old Eliza said, "can't you have a normal mid-life crisis? You're 52, not 42. Technically it's not mid-life. You won't live to be 104. Have an affair or buy a Porsche."

"What fun is that?"

She rolled her eyes. "Mom, you're too old to be a cheerleader. You can't jump, you're on crutches, and you hate football."

I shook my crutch at her. "Where does it say you have to be a certain age to have spirit?"
"You don't have spirit, Mom, you're neurotic. You've been watching too much TV."

Even before the Lyme Disease made me couch-ridden, I had been indulging in cathartic television to escape my job as a professor and grading endless freshmen essays on 19th century German poetry. I loved Real Housewives with savvy, smart-mouthed Moms who dressed expensively, went out, and were ecstatic to have sex with their partners while the thought of staying up past nine o'clock made me exhausted. Reading anything that required concentration made me crazy and I would have lost my mind if I hadn't discovered the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders on Hulu.

I watched three seasons straight, wept at the tearful auditions of young hopefuls, cringed at their grueling studio practices, and prayed they would squeeze into their uniforms. I was mesmerized by pom-poms and glitter but it was the kick that grabbed me. Every cheerleader could knock down a 6-foot-5inch man with one blow. I wanted in.

When my leg healed, I found a trainer and told my new guru, Brad, about my goal. "Sure. When you do want to start?"

"You mean you'll do it?"

He shrugged. "What have I got to lose?"

You? Nothing, I thought. "Really? You think I can do it?"

"The doing's up to you," Brad said like a Buddhist master. "I'm only your side-kick."

"Great pun," I said. He didn't get it.

For weeks, I swung from ropes, bounced to technetronic disco, and ran timed sprints. I felt like a hyperactive dog in a kennel. When I looked at myself in the mirror, my bewildered face didn't resemble a cheerleader.

"Hang in there," Brad told me, "you're doing good."

"I'm doing fine," I said, correcting his grammar.

I would have continued at this pace if it hadn't been for my daughters.

"Mommy," my 8-year-old Tamara said, after a grueling session of "kranking" (operating a bicycle-like device that requires rowing and pedaling) "you're beautiful."

"Really?"

My older daughter was practical. "Mom, it's about the glitter, right?"

How could I tell her that at 52, just when I thought I had mastered motherhood and wanted a brood of children, I was no longer fertile? The decade when my body defied gravity and I was unaware of the word "tankini" or the Land's End swimwear catalogue -- when I was convinced my unpublished novel would rival The Great Gatsby-- I was ending my first marriage. Instead of dancing in Dallas and cheering in a stadium, I was testifying in divorce court in Houston. But I was passing the baton. It was her turn to audition.

"We'll get you a Beyoncé outfit," she suggested.

"Done," I said.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

5 Biggest Myths About Aging
1. Older People Are Miserable(01 of05)
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Happiness is not the domain of the young. In fact, quite the contrary. According to research on age and happiness, older people tend to be happier than young people. Writes Carstensen: "With the exception of dementia-related diseases, which by definition have organic roots, mental health generally improves with age." Older people generally focus on the essential, don't sweat the small stuff, and enjoy their freedoms when their children leave the nest. (According to Carstensen, the empty nest syndrome is atypical. "Children make parents very happy... when they're living somewhere else," she writes.) This "paradox of aging" has to do with a shift our perspectives as our sense of temporal reality changes. Simply put, the less time we have, the more we cherish it and the more expansive simple pleasures become. What age group is the most unhappy, stressed, and prone to depression? The 20-something demographic. (credit:Alamy)
2. DNA Is Destiny(02 of05)
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According to Carstensen, "one of the paradoxes of American longevity ... is that medical science has become powerful enough to rescue people from the brink of death but remains largely impotent when it comes to erasing the effects of the lifetime of bad habits that brought them there." In other words, having a healthy lifestyle is as important as having good genes when it comes to age and wellness. Common sense prevails here. If you smoked a pack of cigarettes a day for decades, you'll pay later. Ditto for obesity, drug or alcohol addiction and lack of exercise. According to a Harvard University study that's been tracking longevity since the 1930's, there are seven lifestyle choices that don't necessarily trump genetics, but that certainly give us an edge: Don't smoke. Drink in moderation only. Exercise regularly. Keep your weight down. Cultivate stable emotional relationships. Get an education. Develop good coping skills for handling life's fast balls. (credit:Alamy)
3. Work Hard, Retire Harder(03 of05)
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We work long and hard. Our mid-lives are often filled with the stress of parenting, trying to save for retirement, and juggling multiple jobs. Then we're supposed to retire and do nothing for the next 30 years. "There is something wrong with this picture," writes Carstensen. Carstensen calls for creating a new model where "work is less demanding and more satisfying throughout life." The operative word here is "throughout." Putting off pleasure and fulfillment until our much later years is not only folly; it's unhealthy. Writes Carstensen: "Time after retirement is the only stage in life that has been elongated. The problem isn't you, it's the model, which was built for short lives, not long ones. It makes no sense to cram all of the work into the beginning, and all of the relaxation into the end."Adds Carstensen: "The beauty of a longer but more moderately paced career cycle would be that we could have more leisure throughout life, more time with our children while they are young, and remain engaged in our communities as we age, giving back some of the expertise we've accumulated throughout our time in the work force." A new "menu of options" would include part-time work, volunteer work or taking on an entirely new career. (credit:Alamy)
4. Older People Drain Our Resources(04 of05)
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The Scarcity Myth is precisely that: a myth. Longevity isn't feeding population growth. Booming youth populations in third world countries and other complex demographic shifts are the real problem. Writes Carstensen: "Bottom line: Population growth is an issue, but Grandpa living longer is not the problem. The true issue is that the gift of increased longevity is unevenly distributed around the globe. In some parts of the world where the youth population is booming, those children may never have the chance to grow old." Meanwhile, the aging workforce is a truly massive force to contend with. (credit:Alamy)
5. We Age Alone(05 of05)
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According to Carstensen: "Aging is inevitable. How you age is not. You will very likely spend about three decades of your life as an old person. Deal with it. Death is the only alternative. If you can put behind you the fantasy of eternal youth, you can begin to plan seriously for what comes next. You can begin to think hard about the type of old person you want to be..." Carstesen cites the burgeoning greying demographic as proof that that we will all, invariably, face old age together -- both in our local communities and as a global community. (credit:Alamy)
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