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Am I Going To Date Forever?

Am I going to date forever? This is a question that date-fatigued boomer women frequently ask, sometimes right before deciding to quit dating. Although taking a break is a quick fix for date fatigue, the magnitude of boomer dating burnout warrants a discussion deeper than weariness.
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Ken is a boomer dating coach, author, columnist, and voice actor

Ken is a boomer dating coach, author, columnist, and voice actor
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Am I Going To Date Forever?
This is a question that date-fatigued boomer women frequently ask, sometimes right before deciding to quit dating. Although taking a break is a quick fix for date fatigue, the magnitude of boomer dating burnout warrants a discussion deeper than weariness. Here's what I've gleaned from dating, date coaching, and thousands of comments on my dating articles from Huff/Post 50 readers.

Boomer Women And Dating Angst
There's an undeniable gender gap associated with date forever angst, and what's striking about it is that it's exclusively women who are giving up dating. I've yet to hear from or about one man who quit dating. Do boomer women simply become more exasperated with dating than boomer men? I think there's a better explanation, and while it may not be the only one, it's objective.

Powerful Support
Nearly every boomer woman has a tight-knit group of lifelong, supportive, friends with whom she shares her issues, including dating. These intimate friendships offer her safe haven where she receives unconditional support to help her recover from a failed relationship and work through other issues. She socializes with her close friends regularly, whether she's dating or not, i.e., lunches, dinners, vacations, frequent conversations, and activities. An ancillary benefit derived from maintaining long-term friendships is developing relationship skills, because maintaining healthy friendships require concerted effort. And these well-honed friendship skills are transferable to relationships with men, which makes boomer women savvy and desirable partners. In addition, their friendships make the decision to quit dating an option, rather than the only solution to loneliness.

Men Are Lagging Behind
In stark contrast, a relatively small number of boomer men enjoy anything approaching that level of support from other men. While there's no upside to this, there's a steep downside. Men, who live in social vacuums and keep their issues wrapped tight, basically function as loners. And this includes a guy with casual friends he drinks or goes to ball games with, because their dialogue is confined to surface issues.

Men buzz in and out of relationships because they lack the critical input of other men's perspectives and nonjudgmental feedback. Alternatively, men listen to inner dialogue, which typically results in recycling failed behavior. Absent authentic friendships, a man stuffs his pain and confusion deep in his psyche in the mistaken belief they've disappeared. But they haven't, and they continue to resurface. I was this guy into my early 40s, and it made life, including dating, unnecessarily difficult. And since nearly every woman is acutely aware of the importance of peer support and friendship, she knows she'll become a loner's entire social universe by default.

Men As Bees
Boomer women are curious why boomer guys buzz from relationship to relationship without pause. In part it's because men date reflexively, rather than reflectively. And absent trusted friends to help him work through his dysfunctional dating behavior, he'll continue to drag his unresolved dating and relationship baggage behind him. Men's divorce rates skyrocket for second and third marriages, in part because their baggage, their unresolved relationship issues, overwhelms their new marriages.

Should Men Quit Dating?
But a man who's working on the issues that affect his dating and relationship behavior doesn't have to quit dating. Our process for learning new behavior doesn't necessarily require that. Socrates said, "An unexamined life is not worth living," and while that seems extreme, a man benefits greatly from looking inward and expanding his consciousness about every aspect of his life. Boomer men seem to have unlimited stamina for dating, whether linked to libido or not, so quitting dating is anathema to most. But continuing to date needs to include open, frank dialogue with other men who can help him become empowered, which I define as being aware of his feelings in the moment, and being able to control them. Women thrive with unconditional support from their friends. Men can too.

No One Has To Quit Dating
Compassion and kindness are basic ingredients in every best friendship. If boomers date as potential friends rather than adversaries, we become open to a best friend/romantic partnership, which describes the most successful relationships. If you're considering quitting dating, please reconsider. While it may not feel like it in the moment, the upside of finding a life partner far outweighs the difficulty of the search. Boomers still have a lot of life to live, and while enjoying it with friends and family is warm and wonderful, sharing it with a romantic partner/best friend is the icing on the cake.

The Boomer Guide To Finding True Love Online will be available January 1st. Visit Ken on Facebook http://on.fb.me/1nyI62U, and his website http://www.kensolin.com.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

Couples Celebrating 25 Years Of Marriage
Rita Wilson And Tom Hanks (01 of17)
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One of my favorite romantic scenes in a motion picture happened when Tom Hanks and his co-star, Rita Wilson, slow-danced to "As Time Goes By" in their 1985 movie "Volunteers." Such a swoon moment! I wanted to BE Beth Wexler (Wilson) dancing in the arms of Lawrence Whatley Bourne III (Hanks). Every man alive had to live vicariously through Tom Hanks as he was holding the lovely Rita Wilson in his arms in that film in that moment. They were married on April 30, 1988. Congratulations on 25 years of ecstasy, you dream lovers you! (credit:Getty Images)
Kevin Bacon And Kyra Sedgwick (02 of17)
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Kyra Sedgwick said it all when she told Good Housekeeping recently (via People) of her husband, Kevin Bacon: "He is so honorable. He is so ethically true. He has high moral standards, and he doesn't lie and he doesn't cheat -- and I find that sexy! ... I don't know how he does it, but he always makes me feel like I'm the most beautiful woman in the room -- the only girl in the room." We have a feeling Kevin thinks his wife is the best thing that's ever happened to him, too. We hope they enjoy their 25th anniversary on September 4! (credit:Getty Images)
Diane Sawyer And Mike Nichols (03 of17)
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ABC World News anchor Diane Sawyer has kept husband, comedy legend Mike Nichols, informed on international news and in return, her husband obviously knows how to work her funny bone. Nichols told Vanity Fair in a recent interview that he found the love of his life with Diane, his fourth wife. They celebrate 25 years on April 29, and we're sure the next 25 years will just breeze by for these two. May you both laugh your way to that Golden Anniversary! (credit:Alamy)
Michael J. Fox And Tracy Pollan (04 of17)
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Michael J. Fox and his future wife, actress Tracy Pollan, first met each other on the set of Family Ties, where she portrayed Ellen Reed. Who will ever forget that romantic dance they shared to the tune of "At This Moment"? Obviously every moment they've shared together for the past 25 years has been precious. The couple, who were married on July 16, 1988, have four children. Now that's some powerful family ties! (credit:AP)
Sarah Palin And Todd Palin(05 of17)
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These two lovebirds have survived many cold winters way up there in Alaska in addition to the political heat they endured when the first female Governor of Alaska decided to take a Big Gulp and run for Vice President of the United States. Politics aside, we do admire them for taking the high road in their family life, raising the bar when it comes to celebrating their precious special-needs son and keeping their family together given the glass house they've lived in for a few years. Happy 25th Anniversary! May you celebrate many more. (credit:AP)
Twiggy And Leigh Lawson(06 of17)
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British model Twiggy, who made a fashion statement with her short cropped hairstyle, became a household name in the mid '60s when she landed on high-profile magazine covers including Vogue and Newsweek, breaking out as one of the first teenage supermodels. Her first marriage ended with the sudden death of her husband due to a heart attack. She married second husband Leigh Lawson in 1988; the couple will have been happily married for 25 years this year! (credit:Getty Images)
Patti LuPone And Matthew Johnson(07 of17)
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Tony Award winner, Patti LuPone, who played Lady Bird Johnson in the TV movie, LBJ: The Early Years, met cameraman Matthew Johnson on set in 1987. The two were married on December 12, 1988 on the stage of the Vivian Beaumont Theater at Lincoln Center. Best wishes go out to the Evita actress and her husband! (credit:Getty Images)
Wayne Rogers And Amy Hirsh(08 of17)
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Wayne Rogers, who is best known for playing Trapper John McIntyre on the CBS television series M*A*S*H, was married for 23 years to his first wife. He's on a roll with second wife Amy Hirsh Rogers, married for 25 years and counting. We're more shocked that Rogers turns 80 this year! What? Not possible! (credit:Getty Images)
Corbin Bernsen And Amanda Pays(09 of17)
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Corbin Bernsen may have played the skillful divorce attorney Arnold Becker on the NBC drama series L.A. Law, but he obviously doesn't need to consult a real divorce expert when it comes to his own marriage. The actor has been happily wed to British actress Amanda Pays since 1988. The delightful couple have four children and 8,000 snow globes. (Would we make that up?) (credit:Getty Images)
Paul Reiser And Paula Ravets(10 of17)
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Paul Reiser delivered one of the funniest ad libs of all time on a sitcom (Mad About You). Walking into his living room, his dog was on the couch licking his private parts, Reiser looked over at him and said, "If I could do that, I wouldn't need a wife." Ta-dum! In his personal life, the actor's wife has been doing something right. He and Paula Ravets celebrate 25 years of marital bliss this year. (credit:Getty Images)
Kathy Ireland And Dr. Greg Olsen(11 of17)
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Supermodel Kathy Ireland, who Forbes magazine "nicknamed 'Supermogul' for her tremendous success as a designer and entrepreneur," has been married half of her life. At 50, she has logged 25 years of marriage to husband Dr. Greg Olsen, an ER surgeon and commercial fisherman. The couple have three children. (credit:Getty Images)
Wayne Gretzky And Janet Jones(12 of17)
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Former professional hockey player Wayne Gretzky, who played for 20 seasons in the National Hockey League, married actress Janet Jones on July 17, 1988 in a ceremony so grand the Canadian press called it "The Royal Wedding." (credit:Getty Images)
Anson Williams And Jackie Gerken(13 of17)
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Ah, Potsie, we couldn't be more thrilled that you and your lovely wife have been creating your own Happy Days for the past 25 years. Williams "lives in Malibu, CA with his wife Jackie Gerken (a television producer and a former vice president of production for Dino De Laurentiis) and his daughter Hannah Lily who was born in 1989. Trivia: He is divorced from first wife Lorrie Mahaffey, who played his girlfriend Jennifer on Happy Days. (credit:Getty Images)
Christine Ebersole And Bill Moloney(14 of17)
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Two-time Tony award winning Broadway actress and former SNL alum, Christine Ebersole, has been married twice. After her five-year union with actor Peter Bergman went south (1976 - 1981), she regrouped and married Bill Moloney in 1988. Ebersole, who describes her family as the "new normal," adopted three children with her husband: "Mae-Mae is from China, Aron is Chinese and Filipino and Elijah is African-American," told the Trentonian newspaper. (credit:Getty Images)
Treat Williams And Pam Van Sant(15 of17)
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Actor Treat Williams met Pam Van Sant while she was waitressing in a New York restaurant. We don't know what he ordered, but the food must have been really good. Twenty-five years and two children later, we're guessing they take turns in the kitchen now. Congrats to these two who are living the good life and most likely keep their fast food to a minimum. (credit:Getty Images)
Genie Francis And Jonathan Frakes(16 of17)
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We doubt that 30 million people watched General Hospital's Genie Francis marry her real-life husband, actor/director Jonathan Frankes on May 28, 1988. Anthony Geary and Genie Francis -- aka Luke and Laura -- pulled in huge numbers when they wed on the popular soap opera, which is celebrating 50 years on the air this year. Congratulations to the Emmy winner and her husband for making their own fairytale come true. (credit:Getty Images)
Art Garfunkel And Kathryn Cermak(17 of17)
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There may have been a "bridge over troubled water" in singer Art Garfunkel's first marriage (he claimed his first marriage was turbulent and ended bitterly), but he hit pay dirt with second wife Kim Cermak. Garfunkel met former model Kathryn "Kim" Cermak while filming the 1986 film Good to Go. They married on September 18, 1988 and have two children. Here's to you, Mrs. Garfunkel! (credit:Alamy)

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