Dear Mr. Trump,
Congratulations! You won! You proved that every Democrat, every other Republican, every pollster, and all left-leaning journalists were wrong. You made your point and it was a good one. You pointed out in your uniquely politically incorrect way the flaws that were right in front of our faces: Hillary is crooked, the Clinton dynasty is corrupt, Jeb is low energy, Marco is well, "little," Carly is unattractive, the left-wing media is completely biased, pollsters and intellectuals are too stupid to see your genius, Mexican immigrants are bringing drugs into the country, Muslims are terrorists, hardworking Americans need jobs, and elections are rigged. There is probably some small kernel of truth in all of those claims, which demonstrates the genius of your pointed remarks. Thank you for exposing the ugly underbelly of American politics. Republicans are thrilled that after eight long, frustrating years, they have the White House...and a majority in both houses of Congress!! You are now in a position to "Make America Great Again!"
So, take your victory tour and enjoy it!! Then take the next brave step:
QUIT WHILE YOU ARE AHEAD.
I'm serious. You are a brilliant businessman and showman extraordinaire! You have clearly proved that and humiliated every naysayer who didn't think you would make it past the primaries (myself included). Now is the time to politely decline the elected office and allow Mike Pence to step up to the presidency. In order to protect your well-deserved brand and preserve your hard-earned billions for your family, I urge you to step aside. Save yourself from the agony of constantly choosing between your business interests and the interests of the American people writ large. Believe me, we are an ungrateful lot and impossible to please. All we want are safety and security, good jobs, good health care, good education, no government regulations, government safety nets, and not to pay for any of it. Piece of cake, right?
Initially, I had written several long paragraphs giving you good reasons for NOT actually becoming POTUS. But, upon further reflection, I realized that would probably not hold your attention. So, instead, let me put it to you in a more entertaining way. With my compliments to David Letterman, I offer,
TOP TEN REASONS WHY DONALD TRUMP SHOULD NOT WANT TO BE PRESIDENT:
10. AS POTUS, you are elected to be a PUBLIC SERVANT. Yeah, I am sure you are familiar with servants... as in having them. But I am pretty sure that you never aspired to be one. So, good luck with that! Somehow, I don't think it will come naturally.
9. As POTUS, you are the PUBLIC SERVANT of ALL AMERICANS. Yeah, that includes the 65,788,583 legal American citizens who did NOT vote for you and probably don't like you all that much. Yeah, you are our bitch, too!
8. As POTUS, you are supposed to attend the daily intelligence briefings. They're boring! Even worse, you might have to actually do something about Syria, Iran, Iraq, and other tiny countries that you have never even heard of. Do you have a good maps app?
7. As POTUS, you are going to have to give up your interest in that pretty new hotel right down the street from the White House. As of January 20th, you will be in violation of your own lease... by both parties, i.e, you and you. Ouch!
6. As POTUS, you cannot have your children working in the White House and owning and controlling your business interests. There are no arms long enough to keep your business interests at "arms-length" and it appears your tiny little hands are having trouble grasping that.
5. As POTUS, you cannot just "create a wall" between yourself and your businesses. Nobody believes that. Is it like the wall you're supposed to build on the U.S./Mexican border? How's that coming along?
4. As POTUS, Ivanka cannot be working in the White House and selling her various clothing and accessories around the world (made in China, by the way). If I were a competitor of Ivanka's in the clothing business, I would be screaming about unfair trade practices. Hmmm, where have I heard that phrase?
3. As POTUS, you will have to divest yourself from your business interests. But you like business! You're good at it! Why would you want to give all that up while your brand is at its peak? Quit this public servant nonsense and cash in on all the free advertising of the last 18 months!
2. As the 45th POTUS, you have to follow Barack Obama. Yeah! He has a 59% approval rating and there was not a single scandal surrounding him or his family in 8 years in the White House! He is grace-under-pressure personified! The coolest cat ever! Do you really want to follow that?
And finally, the number one reason why you should NOT take the oath of office on January 20th... drum roll, please...
1. YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. You were as shocked as the rest of us that you won. (Well, maybe not AS shocked.) But, admit it. You didn't think you were going to win and actually have to give up your businesses and move to the White House (ugh!). You are not prepared for this. You were preparing for your next big media conglomerate enterprise reality show whatever.
So, please go do that! It will be more fun! Pence can run the country and you can sit in your gold tower and tweet against your enemies and take pot shots at the government. Play to your strengths and keep making big league business deals. Leave the governing to all the poor shmucks who can't make it in the real world and have to be public servants instead.
Respectfully,
An American Citizen, aka Your Soon-to-be-Master