ABC: The Bird Flu Will Hit America May 9th

This is Part Three in my never-ending series on the fiction that is "the bird flu pandemic." I'll stop when David Mamet stops with the cartoons.

The latest fear monger trying to profit from this non-existent, non-inevitable, non-pandemic
is ABC and its upcoming TV movie FATAL CONTACT: BIRD FLU IN AMERICA. The movie, which among other cheap tricks features a fake ticker of the rising body count along the bottom of the screen, was considered a "surprise attack" in an industry not known for them. Why did this Joely Richardson vehicle came out of nowhere? Simple: May Sweeps. Apparently, the drug companies aren't the only ones who think there's cash to be made by swinging infected chickens at half-informed citizens-- although they will certainly run plenty of ads during the tele-film, in the spots vacated by KFC, touting their latest made-up drugs for made-up diseases.

I'll spare you my repetition of all the reasons why the H5N1 virus does not have to go human-to-human, or the stats on how amazingly few people its killed in 10 years, or how the chief scientist in the UK recently admitted its not actually the threat everyone thought. What matters is that ABC, the family network, would like you to believe IT WILL KILL YOU ANY MINUTE AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT, except buy the many soothing, corn syrup filled products advertised during the breaks. After all, why worry about getting cancer from the benzene that soda companies have been hiding from you, when there is a mythical threat out there that can kill you so much faster?

I hope NBC benefits from ABC's shamelessness by informing contestants on "Deal or No Deal" that they have a 30 million times better chance of picking the million dollar briefcase than catching the bird flu. Yes, I admit it, I love "Deal or No Deal." Because it is what it is: Desperate Housewives playing "Guess a Number Between 1 and 26." No one's pretending it's something it's not. Howie Mandel and his procession of America's Most Greedy are not hyping me to believe they are just one or two mutations from taking over the world. And they don't keep me up at night wondering if I should horde Tamiflu.

Now, as someone earning a living in the dreaded entertainment industry, I've produced my share of TV movies, and thus am no longer surprised by deeply horrible titles like "FATAL CONTACT." But I have to admit I am surprised by this naked exploitation of the audience's current fears, in a climate of misinformation. Even experts have voiced concern that this two hour parade of extras in surgical masks will spread confusion. ABC itself, in a fit of last minute conscience, added the following disclaimer to its website:

[Editors Note: The film deals with the current threat of the Avian Flu virus (H5N1). Scientists continue to debate the degree to which the virus can mutate and be easily passed among human beings.]

What's not up for debate is how low networks will sink to make a buck. This isn't a shark or asteroid movie, where everyone knows the odds. In fact, ABC proudly announces: "John M. Barry, Distinguished Visiting Scholar at Tulane University and writer of the New York Times bestseller, "The Great Influenza: The Story of the Deadliest Pandemic in History," served as a consultant on the project." Apparently, having a "consultant" makes it more real.

Well, it's not reality, it's not a true story, and yet it certainly doesn't sound very entertaining either. So one has to ask what the real motivation is to air this kind of project. Maybe that's too hard a question for the network bringing you "David Blaine: Drowned Alive," but it's worth considering. Ratings, obviously, are king, but it will be interesting to see who advertises. Who they think the audience is for this kind of thing. Who's buying the bullshit.

The Nielsen report for this TV movie could end up being much more valuable to certain people, certain interests, who aren't in the entertainment business at all.