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The #1 Death Knell For Married Sex

They put the kibosh on romance because they have the hearing of Doberman crime dogs; they can hear a mouse fart through your dense plaster and lathe walls. The thought of you and their father having sex makes them want to projectile vomit.
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Author of "She Dated the Asshats, But Married the Good Guy: How to Go From Toxic Love to Real Love in 12 Exercises."

Author of "She Dated the Asshats, But Married the Good Guy: How to Go From Toxic Love to Real Love in 12 Exercises."
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Teenagers are consummate C-blockers! 

They put the kibosh on romance because they have the hearing of Doberman crime dogs; they can hear a mouse fart through your dense plaster and lathe walls.

The thought of you and their father having sex makes them want to projectile vomit.

You're not allowed to hug or kiss or even give each other shoulder hugs in public. Because this is mortifying. People are watching! Also, it's gross.

They won't watch an episode of Friends with their father in the room (they're girls). He must leave and you MUST NOT use the show as a "teaching moment."

You need to stop explaining that if Joey had as many one-night stands as he's supposed to be having he'd be imprisoned for overdue child support unless one of his baby-mamas ran him over with her Sienna minivan first.

At night your husband serves as your teddy bear. Because you're both chubbier than you should be.

You eat too much cheese, chocolate and ice cream because life is too structured, which is good for your teenagers, not so good for you.

You can't just run off to Sri Lanka, spending your days filming a documentary on the knitwear sweat factories while visiting opium dens in the evening.

You have to drive your children to fencing lessons, to Jeet Kune Do, to the orthodontist where you'll pay for their straight teeth in the blood of your fathers.

You looked at your husband today, not one foot from you, and you thought, "Man, I miss that guy."

He's right there. But you miss him.

You miss being alone with him. You miss talking to him about how Murnau's Sunrise was boring as shit and exclaiming that the UCLA film and television department has to stop screening it.

You think they should screen Bridesmaids instead. Screw film history! You'd rather dine with Trump than sit through fucking Last Year at Marienbad again.

Oh, the liveliness of this conversation, that would certainly lead to sex.

You have friends with teenagers who seem to be really attempting to keep sex alive. You know this because you used their bathroom today. And as you sat, contemplating their Oaxacan tile, you noticed the latest edition of The Economist sitting in their toilet magazine rack.

The fucking Economist!

This means they're still interesting!

They're still aware of what's happening in the outside world and probably discuss it when they come up for air from fellatio.

You don't read The Economist.

You watch The Bachelorette because your teenagers watch The Bachelorette.

The other night these words actually issued from your thinning lips:

"I just don't trust Jordan. Just look at that Haircut. It has 'cheater' written all over it. Also, he has knock-knees."

You know the names of all of the other bachelors on The Bachelorette, despite the fact they all seem to have the same hairdresser, manicurist and genital groomer.

You think about the fact that human beings are the only animals who keep their young this long.

Granted, elephants are pregnant for 22-months and give birth to 250 lb. babies. So there's that. But they only keep them for a couple of years.

You don't necessarily want your teenagers to leave. At least ... not permanently. You love them. But you'd like them to live with you two weeks on, two weeks off.

Perhaps, you realize, this is why people get divorced?

You don't want to get divorced.

You'd just like your teenagers to occasionally live a few blocks away with Julie Andrews, who'd keep them wearing clean drapes and singing Edelweiss while you and their father could have one of your former "hospital days."

This isn't as geriatric as it sounds. A "hospital day" meant unplugging from the outside world and not getting out of bed all day.

This included:

  • Sleeping
  • Watching "When Harry Met Sally" (you) and "Stalingrad" (him)
  • Making love
  • Eating Trader Joe's mozzarella-prosciutto roll (you), Captain Crunch(him)
  • Napping
  • Giving back rubs which led to making love
  • Reading Wired (him) The Enquirer (you)
  • Sipping tea (him), quaffing Prosecco (you)
  • Smoking the odd Bolivar Coronas Gigantes Cuban cigars
  • Drifting off to sleep in each other's relaxed embrace

You worry the next time you take a "hospital day" together it will be in an actual hospital.

Sometimes you do THIS and THIS to fight The Man (aka Teenagers). But usually you're treading water as fast as you can.

Married Ninjas: How do you keep things thriving in the sack with teenagers guarding The Wall? xo S

If you enjoyed this article you'll thoroughly enjoy Shannon's: Married Sex: Fact & Fiction.

Don't miss a thing by opting in to Shannon's monthly newsletter here.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

Sexy Over 50 Men
The Kid(01 of12)
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Who: Ralph Macchio, 50
Why: He kicked his way into the hearts of 80s teens as the David to Cobra Kai's Goliath in The Karate Kid. Macchio's baby-faced good looks made him a mainstay in other hits from the era, including The Outsiders and My Cousin Vinny, before he disappeared from the big screen. It wasn't until he appeared on Dancing With The Stars that we remembered Daniel-San is quite a looker. (credit:Getty)
The Smile(02 of12)
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Who: Steve Martin, 66
Why: The comedian who brought belly-laughs to "Saturday Night Live" has introduced his audience to all of his talents over the years. Whether it is his memoir "Born Standing Up", his pieces for "The New Yorker", or his Grammy winning bluegrass album -- Steve Martin's clearly not slowing down -- and we don't want him to.
The President(03 of12)
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Who: Barack Obama, 50
Why: Besides being the first African American to hold the office of President of the United States, the Harvard-educated Barack Obama has clearly kept his family a priority, taking on another role as assistant basketball coach, and, as his Father's Day essay reports, making sure his two girls still 'do their chores, make their beds, finish their schoolwork and take care of the dog,' regardless of their White House residency.
The Virgin(04 of12)
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Who: Richard Branson, 61
Why: The British business tycoon has conquered just about everything -- including space. When Branson was 16, he started a magazine called Student, and hasn't slowed down since.

Branson has always enjoyed what he does, which is one of the reason we believe he is so successful. "For me business is not about wearing suits, or keeping stockholders pleased. It's about being true to yourself, your ideas and focusing on the essentials," asserts the billionaire.Branson is a representative of The Elders, a group determined to reach peace, eliminate suffering, and provide education around the world. This is one of his many humanitarian participations.Photo: Getty
The Sundance Kid(05 of12)
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Who: Robert Redford, 75
Why: The two-time Academy Award winning actor has done more than star in some of the most memorable films of all time -- he's helped make sure movies get made. In 1969, Redford bought Timphaven Mountain in Provo, Utah - which he renamed, "Sundance" after his iconic role of "The Sundance Kid".
The Sundance Film Festival is the preeminent event for Independent films in the United States. Redford was the inaugural chairman.Photo: Getty
The Director(06 of12)
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Who: Steven Spielberg, 64
Why: Although he made his make in films such as "Jaws" and "E.T.", his later films reflect a more serious nature. "Schindler's List", "Saving Private Ryan", and "The Color Purple" are examples of his work which resonate on greater cultural challenges. Spielberg has donated to numerous hospitals, charities, and disaster relief organizations.
The Barista(07 of12)
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Why: The former Chairman and CEO fo Starbucks is more than the man behind a good cup of coffee.

Schultz has lead with his soul, allowing him to act responsibly in his business ventures. He speaks out on his concerns of the global economic crisis and has been awarded numerous times for his charitable efforts. Specifically, the National Leadership Award, the International Distinguished Entrepreneur Award and the FIRST Magazine Responsbile Capitalism Award.
The Gentleman(08 of12)
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Who: Tom Ford, 50
Why: The Texas born Fashion designer, style icon, architecture buff and Academy Award nominated director is one of the most important men in popular culture today.

Ford transformed the house of Gucci (which was valued at $4.3 billion when he started and $10 billion when he left) back into a Fashion powerhouse. Shortly after, he started Tom Ford - a brand, which when it started, was considered to be the epitome of a modern day gentleman's wardrobe. Although sometimes controversial, Ford has spoken out about his homosexuality and his opinions on monogamy and sexuality.
The General(09 of12)
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Who: Colin Powell, 74
Why: The retired Four-Star Army General and former (and frist African American) Secretary of State has done far more than serve our country, but we must make mention of it. Powell has received the Defense Distinguished Service Medal (with three Oak Leaf Clusters), the Army Distinguished Service Medal (with Oak Leaf Cluster), Defense Superior Service Medal, Legion of Merit (with Oak Leaf Cluster), Soldier's Medal, Bronze Star Medal and the Purple Heart.

Although his reputation was soiled in the now infamous WMD/Invasion of Iraq speech, Powell was since spoken out about reforming the intelligence community. An interesting fact about the former Joint Chief of Staff: He restores old cars as a hobby.Photo: Getty
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Who: Dan Marino, 50
Why: Not only has the gridiron icon been ranked as the No. 25 football player of all time by NFL Films in 2010, but he has also raised more than $30 million with the Dan Marino Foundation to help children with autism, like his son, Michael. Married to wife Claire since the 1980s, the father of six is also an entrepreneur with a growing restaurant chain. (credit:Damon Scheleur)
The Laugh(11 of12)
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Who: Alec Baldwin, 54
Why: While we wag our fingers at the actor's tendency for outrageousTwitter outbursts -- and extreme love of Words With Friends -- Baldwin's charm knows no bounds.

As SaturdayNight Live's most frequent host, the smarmy exec with the heart of24K gold on 30 Rock and the narrator of the phenomenal Frozen Planet series, we'll look the other way at the 54-year-old's morejuvenile tendencies. (credit:Getty)
The Anchor(12 of12)
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Who: Matt Lauer, 54
Why: Co-host of NBC's "TODAY" since 1997, the dashing Lauer is the cream in our morning coffee, mixing the serious presidential interviews and reporting from the Middle East with the just-plain-goofy, including that "Where In The World Is Matt" travel segment thing and a recent smooch with Howard Stern. Only Lauer has the brains and the likability to strike the balance with panache. (credit:Getty)

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