Well, I think it goes without saying that NASA has just rocked everyone's worlds.
But, probably for the better, right? I mean, it's not like things were really working all that smoothly before. Now maybe everyone can just Google their new astrological sign, take copious notes, tweak out some personality adjustments and get on down the road. Things should just fall nicely into place.
I know that's what I'm counting on...
It's pretty liberating to think such a minor astrological glitch was the reason the entire world has been so off-kilter all this time. All of humankind was just super confused about who we really are. Metaphysically speaking, that is.
The first thing that's going to improve in my life as a result of this new information, is my marriage. All this time -- over 30 years -- we've been under the false impression that my husband and I are BOTH Aries.
How in the world can two people be as different as we are in almost every possible way and yet both be the same astrological sign? (It's almost enough to make one skeptical of Astrology as a guiding life principle.)
Well.... The answer is simple. We can't! That's been the problem all along.
I'm really a Pisces. It makes perfect sense. I'm actually just a confused fish swimming in two different directions. Sensitive, creative and soulful. No wonder I don't eat seafood and I can't get out of the bathtub. I'm a fish. To think that I've spent over 50 years thinking I was a damn Ram. All because of those stinkin' Babylonians.
Qualities such as leadership, organization and willful determination are off the table as of today. No more pressure. Being headstrong, open to challenges, and standing firm are a part of my past. Everyone knows fish don't stand firm. We are floppy.
I've been reading all about my new self online and I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty stoked. I certainly can't be expected to lead anyone when I'm swimming in two different directions. I just read that my "intuitiveness" holds me "in good stead when it comes to prosperity." I don't know what that means exactly, but probably that I would find a good Aries Man to marry.
I actually was so excited about my new sign that I looked up everyone in my family's new signs. This isn't just going to benefit humanity and my marriage, it's going to change the very essence of inter-familial relationships.
Our oldest daughter and son just went from Scorpio to Libra. Our second daughter shifts from Virgo to Leo. Our third daughter from Gemini to Taurus (that figures) and our baby stays right on the cusp of Gemini and Cancer. But wait a minute... according to this chart my husband is actually a Pisces with me now? He's very close to Aries, but technically a Pisces also?
That can't be right. My family needs leadership.
I think I'm going to have to put together my own hybrid-style chart. This is serious stuff. They're messing with people's marriages and families now.
This could be a serious game-changer. Or, at the very least a matching-tattoo changer.
5 Ways Post50s Can Improve Their Sex Life
It's Not Over(01 of05)
Open Image ModalEverything in our culture makes people, and women in particular, feel that after the age of 40, they're no longer sexually attractive, and this belief gets internalized. But researcher Gina Ogden, in conducting her famed Isis study (a national survey of sexuality and spirituality), found that women in their 60s and 70s were having the best sex of their lives -- people need to understand that the brain is the most important sex organ in the body! (credit:Alamy )
Hardware vs. Software(02 of05)
Open Image ModalMen and women get into sexual patterns in their teens, 20s and 30s that never change. So in recognizing this, we need to say, "the hardware is going to stay the same, but we can update the software." And you can update the software by trying different things, but mostly by getting to know yourself. (credit:Alamy)
Practice, Practice, Practice(03 of05)
Open Image ModalIf your body is an instrument, then you're only going to get better by practicing. And quite frankly, from a health standpoint, there isn't a better use of your time. Men take erection-enhancing drugs to increase nitric oxide in the penile blood vessels, but they can increase nitric oxide themselves by improving their sex lives either on their own or with a partner. Orgasms trigger a huge burst of nitric oxide, which balances the neurotransmitters in your body -- the same neurotransmitters that people take drugs to balance. It's a shame because antidepressants lower one's ability for full sexual expression, so the one thing that could really decrease depression is the one thing that the drugs quiet down. People don't realize that you can turn on chemicals in your own body without importing unnatural drugs to do it for you. (credit:Alamy)
Get Fit(04 of05)
Open Image ModalIf you're fit, you're much more likely to have a satisfying sex life. Being and feeling healthy and being and feeling sexy are synonymous. I just spoke to a 70-year-old friend of mine -- a total fox -- who's trying his luck on eHarmony. So we talked about what people in his demographic are looking for, and we both agreed -- health! When you're healthy and your hardware is working the best it can, you can focus on downloading new software. (credit:Alamy)
Take Your Time(05 of05)
Open Image ModalWomen need to understand that they are far more complicated sexually than men are. For men, the focus is in the genitals. But with women, sex is like a martial art, and women need to master that art and have the ability to move sexual energy around, manipulate sounds and focus on certain areas. The beauty of being over 50 is that you have more time to practice this. Women need 45 minutes to get fully turned-on. Do you know how long the average couple spends making love? 15 minutes. Slow down! Take time! (credit:Alamy)
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