I recently escaped from a control freak friendship. It was a lot like a short-lived romance -- fun in the beginning and then the issues start popping up, like weeds in a summer garden.
Why Do I Feel Like I Can't Breathe?
Looking for answers, I found this short survey online, designed to identify if you were involved with a controlling person. (Sometimes I can be a little slow on the uptake. This will not surprise my children.)
- Does this person keep claiming to know what's best for you?
- Do you typically have to do things her way?
- Is she so domineering you feel suffocated?
- Do you feel like you're held prisoner to this person's rigid sense of order?
- Is this relationship no fun because of the lack of spontaneity?
A 'yes' answer to one or two indicates you're dealing with a controller. Yes to three or more and the control freak has violated your emotional freedom.
I had checked off all five. For that, they suggested the Witness Protection Program.
One thing a control freak doesn't appreciate, is not getting their way. Hence the whole control thing to begin with. I did escape, but not without claw marks around my ankles and tire tracks running down my back.
In addition, anyone who will stand still long enough gets a verbal rundown of all my failings, courtesy of my ex-friend. Apparently, this will go on for decades.
So how do you deal with a control freak? And would it be better to be confronted by zombies?
Psychologists tell us that controllers don't see themselves as controlling, they see themselves as RIGHT.
When they see you doing something your way, they don't recognize that as your prerogative, as you getting to choose and make your own decisions. They see that as you being wrong, simply because you're not doing it their way, which in their mind, is always the right way.
They're right, you're wrong. You lose.
Even if they're able to hold their tongues and allow you to do it your way, they're often waiting for events to go wrong so they can jump on the "I told you so" bandwagon. They've set the trap, hoping to snare you.
Controllers will often judge, criticize and devalue others, commenting how they 'could have done it better'. If they do compliment, it's usually in the process of a manipulative scenario.
If the controller in your life is a casual relationship or friendship, your best bet is to slowly back away. Controllers have no interest in developing healthy, mature relationships. They just want their way, however they can get it, and will wear you out in the process. Once you're out of the picture, they'll seek out their next victim and you'll be long forgotten.
If you work with a controller or have a family member who is one, and the option of moving to a small tropical island is off the table, here are a few tips that may help keep you sane.
Yes, No and F*ck You. Be clear in your communication and your actions. Don't succumb to pandering and manipulation, some of the controller's favorites tricks. Be confident and clear with the controller and don't back down. Any sign of weakness will encourage them to persist.
Don't Respond to Escalating Behavior
Once the controller realizes they are losing their grip over you, they may employ pressuring behavior. They may stop talking to you, become moody, pout, stop having sex with you, won't return your phone calls, ignore you in meetings and so on.
Your best bet is to not react or to withdraw in a quiet way. Try to not to escalate your emotions, this only plays into the drama for them.
Don't Let Them Define You
Look to your friends, family or co-workers for support during this time. The controller does not define you and will do their best to diminish your self worth during this process. Letting go of any power they have over you will only enhance your life, and the empty space they leave can be filled with someone who matters.
Good luck and be sure to keep your eye out for zombies too!
Kimberly Montgomery is the creator of the Choices Notebook and blogger at FiftyJewels.com, where she encourages people to use their powers for good. Hop on over there to grab your FREE copy of the Choices Notebook Mini Kit.
7 Ways To Make Friends Post 50
Geography Counts, So Stay Local(01 of07)
Open Image ModalWhat you want is someone to hang with near where you live. Approach this scientifically. Having a friend who lives an hour's drive away will mean you won't see them as much as the person who lives closer. So think global, but stay local. That means your local coffee shop, the local branch of the public library, they local chapter of the Sierra Club, or the local college that offers evening courses. (credit:<a href="http://www.flickr.com/" role="link" rel="nofollow" class=" js-entry-link cet-external-link" data-vars-item-name="Flickr:" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="5bb675eee4b05271530ad43a" data-vars-unit-type="buzz_body" data-vars-target-content-id="http://www.flickr.com/" data-vars-target-content-type="url" data-vars-type="web_external_link" data-vars-subunit-name="before_you_go_slideshow" data-vars-subunit-type="component" data-vars-position-in-subunit="8" data-vars-position-in-unit="12">Flickr:</a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/coffeepartyusa/" role="link" rel="nofollow" class=" js-entry-link cet-external-link" data-vars-item-name=" CoffeePartyUSA" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="5bb675eee4b05271530ad43a" data-vars-unit-type="buzz_body" data-vars-target-content-id="http://www.flickr.com/people/coffeepartyusa/" data-vars-target-content-type="url" data-vars-type="web_external_link" data-vars-subunit-name="before_you_go_slideshow" data-vars-subunit-type="component" data-vars-position-in-subunit="9" data-vars-position-in-unit="13"> CoffeePartyUSA</a>)
Follow Your Interests(02 of07)
Open Image ModalIf you play tennis, join a club or take a few lessons at the community center. If you like to throw parties, volunteer to run the annual fund-raiser at your synagogue or church; when the board thanks you publicly at the dinner, everyone will learn your name. If you hike, join the Sierra Club. If you bicycle, join a biking group or enter a race in your age category. Here's the one caveat about following your interests: Nobody ever met anyone while watching "American Idol" from the couch. (credit:Alamy)
Friends Come In Various Packages(03 of07)
Open Image ModalBe open to the idea that it's OK to have friends who are older or younger. The fact that they are in different stages in life just means they bring a different perspective to the table. While a 14-year-old won't be interested in socializing with a toddler, that 10-year age gap dissipates when they get older. Why not say yes to the 30-somethings who invite you to join them for drinks after work? Invite them over for dinner with their families and get to know their kids. Their views on the world may not match yours precisely, but variety is the spice of life. (credit:<a href="http://www.flickr.com/" role="link" rel="nofollow" class=" js-entry-link cet-external-link" data-vars-item-name="Flickr:" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="5bb675eee4b05271530ad43a" data-vars-unit-type="buzz_body" data-vars-target-content-id="http://www.flickr.com/" data-vars-target-content-type="url" data-vars-type="web_external_link" data-vars-subunit-name="before_you_go_slideshow" data-vars-subunit-type="component" data-vars-position-in-subunit="6" data-vars-position-in-unit="10">Flickr:</a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/virovets/" role="link" rel="nofollow" class=" js-entry-link cet-external-link" data-vars-item-name=" Yuri Virovets" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="5bb675eee4b05271530ad43a" data-vars-unit-type="buzz_body" data-vars-target-content-id="http://www.flickr.com/people/virovets/" data-vars-target-content-type="url" data-vars-type="web_external_link" data-vars-subunit-name="before_you_go_slideshow" data-vars-subunit-type="component" data-vars-position-in-subunit="7" data-vars-position-in-unit="11"> Yuri Virovets</a>)
Travel With Strangers(04 of07)
Open Image ModalBecome A Joiner(05 of07)
Open Image ModalEven if you've never been a joiner, now may be the time to get yourself out there. Got a new puppy or an old dog who needs some new tricks? Find a community dog-training class. If you like to cook, take a cooking class. Participate in the 5K run for charity, even if you walk the final three. (credit:<a href="http://www.flickr.com/" role="link" rel="nofollow" class=" js-entry-link cet-external-link" data-vars-item-name="Flickr:" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="5bb675eee4b05271530ad43a" data-vars-unit-type="buzz_body" data-vars-target-content-id="http://www.flickr.com/" data-vars-target-content-type="url" data-vars-type="web_external_link" data-vars-subunit-name="before_you_go_slideshow" data-vars-subunit-type="component" data-vars-position-in-subunit="0" data-vars-position-in-unit="4">Flickr:</a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/vastateparksstaff/" role="link" rel="nofollow" class=" js-entry-link cet-external-link" data-vars-item-name=" vastateparksstaff" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="5bb675eee4b05271530ad43a" data-vars-unit-type="buzz_body" data-vars-target-content-id="http://www.flickr.com/people/vastateparksstaff/" data-vars-target-content-type="url" data-vars-type="web_external_link" data-vars-subunit-name="before_you_go_slideshow" data-vars-subunit-type="component" data-vars-position-in-subunit="1" data-vars-position-in-unit="5"> vastateparksstaff</a>)
Be Pushy(06 of07)
Open Image ModalKeep your smart phone with you and ask for numbers. Sure it may feel a little awkward to say to someone you just met "Hey, I really enjoyed talking to you on this Sierra Club hike but the next one isn't for two months. Would you like to get together for a hike before that?" Worst they can say is no. (credit:Alamy)
Keep Up With Old Friends(07 of07)
Open Image ModalWith Skype and apps like FaceTime, it's easier than ever to have face-to-face visits. Don't assume your old friends are too busy to talk to you on the phone. Most cellphone plans include free long-distance calls and for those that don't, there's Skype. Invite friends who live a great distance to come and stay with you. Show them your city. Friendships are like gardens; it's often easier to tend to an existing one than grow a new one from seeds. (credit:Alamy)
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.