Obsessing Over Your Relationship May Be Bad For Your Sex Life

Obsessing Over Your Relationship May Be Bad For Your Sex Life
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By: Rachael Rettner, Senior Writer
Published: 06/18/2014 02:31 PM on LiveScience

People in relationships who constantly question whether their partner loves them, or whether they've found Mr. or Ms. Right, may have a condition known as relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Now, a new study finds that, perhaps not surprisingly, people with these symptoms may be less satisfied with their sex lives than those who don't have this condition.

In the study, people with symptoms of relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD) — which can include behaviors such as constantly reassessing whether you love your partner, doubting your partner's love or thinking about a partner's physical flaws — were less likely to be satisfied with their sex lives than people without these symptoms.

This lower level of sexual satisfaction was explained by a decrease in relationship satisfaction — in other words, it seems that ROCD symptoms reduce relationship happiness, which, in turn, affects sex life, the researchers said. [5 Ways Relationships Are Good for Your Health]

The findings, which were published online June 6 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, could have implications for the treatment of some people with relationship and sexual problems, the researchers said.

"ROCD symptoms are often overlooked by family and couple therapists," said study researcher Guy Doron, of the School of Psychology at the Interdisciplinary Center (IDC) Herzliya in Israel. The new findings mean that people's sexual problems might stem from having ROCD and not knowing it, Doron said.

What is ROCD?

ROCD is a form of obsessive compulsive disorder — a condition that can bring unwanted thoughts or worries (obsessions), and repetitive behaviors that are carried out to address those worries (compulsions), usually to no avail.

With ROCD, obsessions usually fit into one of two categories: Questioning whether you love your partner, or questioning whether your partner loves you, said Steven Brodsky, a psychologist and clinical director at the OCD and Panic Center of New York and New Jersey. Brodsky was not involved in the study but has treated patients with ROCD.

For example, one of Doron's patients said that although he loved the woman he was in a relationship with, he couldn't stop thinking about whether he might be happier with women he saw on the street, or on Facebook.

Compulsions can involve going to great lengths to check that your partner is loyal, such as repeatedly calling them, looking at their email or Internet search histories or constantly asking them whether they "really mean it" when they express their love, Brodsky said.

It's normal to have some of these thoughts in relationships from time to time, Brodsky said, but a person is considered to have a disorder if the thoughts impair everyday life, such as the ability to do his or her job.

Brodsky also noted that people with ROCD have unwanted thoughts even when there is no rational reason to question the relationship (i.e., their partner really does love them).

Ultimately, these symptoms can lead to rocky relationships. "These relationships can often repeatedly break up and reunite multiple times a week" or month, Brodsky said. ROCD can also become a self-fulfilling prophecy if the symptoms end up pushing a partner away, he said.

Treating ROCD

About 1 percent of U.S. adults have OCD in any given year, according to the National Institutes of Health, and a portion of these have ROCD. Brodsky estimated that at any given time, about 20 percent of the patients he treats have ROCD.

In the new study, 157 men and women in Israel filled out an online questionnaire intended to assess ROCD symptoms. Couples had been together for about 15 years, on average. Although the survey could not diagnose ROCD, Doron estimated that about 1 percent of participants had the condition, based on their responses.

The more severe participants' symptoms were, the more likely the participants were to be unsatisfied with their sex lives.

ROCD symptoms may undermine the ability of a couple to bond emotionally, and lead to stress and sadness, all of which may interfere with pleasure during sex, the researchers said.

"When you're constantly questioning and obsessing over the quality of the relationship, or the fulfillment of the relationship, it's going to impact both your physical and emotional connectedness," said Anthony Ferretti, a private-practice psychologist in Florida who specializes in relationship therapy and who was not involved in the study.

It may be better for people whose ROCD symptoms are the main cause of sexual and relationship problems to have these symptoms treated before entering couples therapy, Doron said.

In fact, typical couples counseling could worsen symptoms for people with ROCD, Brodsky said.

In couples counseling, counselors may try to sort out the relationship's problems, and find ways to help the couple communicate better, or discuss what each person sees as lacking in their partner, Brodsky said.

"If you were to begin to really analyze issues within the relationship, you would be helping the OCD sufferer to [have] a compulsion, and you would be perpetuating or worsening the OCD," Brodsky said.

Instead, people with ROCD should receive treatment for OCD. The goal of such treatment is "to help the person develop a greater tolerance for ambiguity or bothersome thoughts," Brodsky said.

Follow Rachael Rettner @RachaelRettner. Follow Live Science @livescience, Facebook & Google+. Original article on Live Science.

Copyright 2014 LiveScience, a TechMediaNetwork company. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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Before You Go

7 Steps To Mind-Blowing Sex
1. Don't Talk Yourself Out Of What You Need(01 of07)
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It's too easy for us women to convince ourselves to settle for less. We're so helpful and accommodating, so eager to please and afraid of rejection that we're quick to give up the things we need, including when it comes to sex.What we need to see is that doing this will leave us chronically frustrated. While it's true that every relationship requires a certain amount of compromise, going without the things that we really need just doesn't work. We'll end up unhappy in the relationship or resentful toward our partner.The bottom line is, we need to know what we can't live without, sexually, and what we just can't live with. We ignore these non-negotiables at the expense of a fulfilling sex life. (credit:Alamy)
2. Share Your Needs And Feelings With Your Partner(02 of07)
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If you can't ask them for what you want in bed, you shouldn't be sleeping with them. Good sex happens when we feel safe and at ease. If we're afraid to ask for something or to tell our partner that we don't like something, sex will never be more than mediocre.This second tip follows from the first one, in that once we identify what we want and don't want, we have to express these things clearly. It's unfair to expect our partner to be a mind-reader and "prove" that they care by somehow knowing what we want without our having to tell them. Healthy sex comes out of healthy communication.
3. Accept Your Body As It Is Now(03 of07)
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We need to be in touch with our bodies; with what feels good, what feels not so good and what feels wrong. We also really need to stop judging ourselves in terms of our weight and our shape. Only a superficial dope would give us a hard time over our imperfections. If someone makes us feel bad about our physical selves, this is more a reflection of his inadequacies than of our own.Our negative self-talk has to stop. The running commentary on how fat we are, how much cellulite or how many wrinkles we have is guaranteed to kill the mood, often before it even starts. Feeling good about our bodies is crucial if we're going to let go and enjoy ourselves. Being physically self-conscious will keep us from experiencing the joyful abandon of great sex.
4. Never Refuse Sex As A Punishment Or Use It As A Reward(04 of07)
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In the bad old days, some women were led to believe that the way to get a man to toe the line is to offer sex for good behavior or withhold it when the man has displeased them. Most of us today recognize this as hateful behaviour and a recipe for disaster.Men don't want to be controlled or punished, especially around sex. They don't want to be made to feel like little boys. When we're hurt or angry at our partner, we need to share our feelings with him in an adult way. We can even say that we're too upset for sex, right now. What we mustn't ever do is make him feel like we're deciding when he gets to have sex, based on whether he's been "good" or "bad."On the other hand, using sex as a reward turns us into sex objects and makes sex into a commodity for our partner to "earn." It's no longer two people being intimate or enjoying each other. Commodifying sex makes it into a business transaction and our bodies then become objects for trade.
5. No Pets In The Room(05 of07)
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We might love Fluffy or Rover, but they don't belong in the bedroom when we're being intimate. Our pets are very territorial and could get jealous or want to play, too. Dogs might bark or even growl. Cats might jump onto the bed and start walking around. We can avoid these disasters by remembering to shut the door and leave our four-legged friends outside.
6. Have A Sense Of Humor(06 of07)
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Sex is about connection and intimacy, but also it's about having fun. It can be mind-blowingly great or occasionally, things can go wrong. Having a good sense of humor about sex will keep things in perspective.Being able to laugh at ourselves and at the comical aspects of sex will take the pressure off the whole experience. We might love and adore our partner, but we don't have to be so serious about making love to them. Humour relieves pressure and is a great way to connect.
7. Enjoy The Give And Take(07 of07)
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The best sex is the kind in which each person is trying to please the other one. The sharing in sex is one of the things that make it great. It can be technically amazing, but when one person gets the impression that the other person really isn't there with them, it can ruin the whole experience.What makes someone a fantastic lover is not their technical ability or their repertoire of moves but their attentiveness and their efforts to make their partner happy. When both people show that they really care about meeting their partner's needs, sex becomes something wonderful. (credit:Alamy)