I lived the majority of my life with a "passion trumps all" mentality.
I would pass on any relationship that felt "ordinary" or predictable. If anyone was totally into me, I had an allergic reaction, immediately running the other way.
I also chose ambiguous relationships where I never had any kind of conversation to figure out where I stood with a guy and, therefore, made lots of assumptions.
Often, when I wanted commitment, he would agree, but his actions never matched his promises.
I never wanted to seem too intense or be that "crazy girl," so I kept quiet. But on the inside, my stomach was always in knots.
Quick flashback: I had ended a five-year relationship and met a leading matchmaker in New York City, who was looking for single gals. I was a total newbie -- fresh on the market from my broken engagement. She sped me through years of therapy in her informative intake and told me she had a great guy for me -- a relationship-minded guy which, to me, sounded like code for "boring." I quickly flashed to a life of predictability and void of excitement.
"But will we have chemistry?" I asked.
She replied, "I know you love passion. It's clear after knowing you for one hour. I promise that if you keep going for the smooth dude, you will be 40 and single."
Well, cut to me: 40 and single.
The matchmaker (now my best friend) set me up with many good guys, but I always returned, saying, "I just don't feel any connection."
My friends labeled me as "too picky" and I justified it as "not wanting to settle."
The truth is, no one could convince me. I was on the chemistry road to nowhere. So, how did I finally get off the road?
One day, the matchmaker told me she had found someone, but his relationship readiness was not convincing. Her advice: "You are exactly what he needs, so if he is ready, it will be perfect. If not, don't stay for the sex."
Well... I stayed for the sex.
I stayed (two years) thinking that I could love him into commitment. Wrong, so wrong (cue the horrible sound accompanying the wrong answer "X" on Family Feud).
But I had to OD on my pattern. Doesn't it suck that we often only grow from intense pain and disappointment? But this relationship was a turning point, and for that I am grateful.
I had a come-to-consciousness moment when this guy (who was now about to marry another woman) called and said, "I will never love anyone as much as you. If I could have one wish, it would be to go away with you and snuggle like only we do."
I was slightly horrified, and, yet, oddly flattered that I rated so high. Not good. (I know this.)
Obviously, I did not plan on "snuggling" with a man days before his nuptials, but I did come from a family where my dad cheated, and my mom took him back many times. You might say my threshold for nonsense is way too high -- and you would be correct.
Most women would hear something like that from a man going to his bachelor party, and hang up the phone and never answer his calls again. I never saw "bachelor party" guy again. Instead, I landed on the green couch of my therapist.
Dr. Kim -- the oracle (totally a Matrix reference) -- leaned forward in her chair (always code for something profound is about to happen) and said, "You know that good sex doesn't mean a good relationship? You know that, right?"
She repeated, "Good sex doesn't always equal a good relationship. Good sex equals good sex."
I asked (in the most childlike way possible), "Am I supposed to live in a loveless, boring relationship where I have no desire to have sex? I'd rather live like a monk."
"No, that is not what I said, Di Ana, that's what you heard." She always gets me when she says my name. She's good, real good.
I softened, "But he is the most amazing snuggler in the world."
"Do you want a relationship?"
"Well, all I am saying is you confuse the two."
"Well, maybe." I recoiled. Truth is, I do confuse amazing sex for amazing relationships all the time.
A fulfilling sex life is important, but it cannot be the only reason you stay with someone.
I honestly believed that if I loved these men enough and was an incredible partner they would eventually commit. But you have to be able to see what is happening vs. what you wish would happen.
- When someone doesn't want to commit: walk away. You can't love someone into commitment.
Listen to their words, but see what they do. Action matters. "Relationship-minded" is actually a trait you should look for in a man.I found a whole new level of passion when I started dating relationship-minded men. Who knew? It is far from boring; the connection that develops from reliability, trust and communication is exciting.
Once I realized this, I found such profound freedom. Now, when I date a man and the chemistry is off the charts, I do not go into fantasy mode.
If we have an effortless connection, I let it be just that -- effortless. Instead of analyzing his words and the way he tilts his head while saying them, I wait to see if his words will match his actions.
In short, I look for no rules and no games. I choose to see what is, while enjoying every minute with someone who is committed to taking the ride with me -- bumps in the road and all.
7 Steps To Mind-Blowing Sex
1. Don't Talk Yourself Out Of What You Need(01 of07)
Open Image ModalIt's too easy for us women to convince ourselves to settle for less. We're so helpful and accommodating, so eager to please and afraid of rejection that we're quick to give up the things we need, including when it comes to sex.What we need to see is that doing this will leave us chronically frustrated. While it's true that every relationship requires a certain amount of compromise, going without the things that we really need just doesn't work. We'll end up unhappy in the relationship or resentful toward our partner.The bottom line is, we need to know what we can't live without, sexually, and what we just can't live with. We ignore these non-negotiables at the expense of a fulfilling sex life. (credit:Alamy)
2. Share Your Needs And Feelings With Your Partner(02 of07)
Open Image ModalIf you can't ask them for what you want in bed, you shouldn't be sleeping with them. Good sex happens when we feel safe and at ease. If we're afraid to ask for something or to tell our partner that we don't like something, sex will never be more than mediocre.This second tip follows from the first one, in that once we identify what we want and don't want, we have to express these things clearly. It's unfair to expect our partner to be a mind-reader and "prove" that they care by somehow knowing what we want without our having to tell them. Healthy sex comes out of healthy communication.
3. Accept Your Body As It Is Now(03 of07)
Open Image ModalWe need to be in touch with our bodies; with what feels good, what feels not so good and what feels wrong. We also really need to stop judging ourselves in terms of our weight and our shape. Only a superficial dope would give us a hard time over our imperfections. If someone makes us feel bad about our physical selves, this is more a reflection of his inadequacies than of our own.Our negative self-talk has to stop. The running commentary on how fat we are, how much cellulite or how many wrinkles we have is guaranteed to kill the mood, often before it even starts. Feeling good about our bodies is crucial if we're going to let go and enjoy ourselves. Being physically self-conscious will keep us from experiencing the joyful abandon of great sex.
4. Never Refuse Sex As A Punishment Or Use It As A Reward(04 of07)
Open Image ModalIn the bad old days, some women were led to believe that the way to get a man to toe the line is to offer sex for good behavior or withhold it when the man has displeased them. Most of us today recognize this as hateful behaviour and a recipe for disaster.Men don't want to be controlled or punished, especially around sex. They don't want to be made to feel like little boys. When we're hurt or angry at our partner, we need to share our feelings with him in an adult way. We can even say that we're too upset for sex, right now. What we mustn't ever do is make him feel like we're deciding when he gets to have sex, based on whether he's been "good" or "bad."On the other hand, using sex as a reward turns us into sex objects and makes sex into a commodity for our partner to "earn." It's no longer two people being intimate or enjoying each other. Commodifying sex makes it into a business transaction and our bodies then become objects for trade.
5. No Pets In The Room(05 of07)
Open Image ModalWe might love Fluffy or Rover, but they don't belong in the bedroom when we're being intimate. Our pets are very territorial and could get jealous or want to play, too. Dogs might bark or even growl. Cats might jump onto the bed and start walking around. We can avoid these disasters by remembering to shut the door and leave our four-legged friends outside.
6. Have A Sense Of Humor(06 of07)
Open Image ModalSex is about connection and intimacy, but also it's about having fun. It can be mind-blowingly great or occasionally, things can go wrong. Having a good sense of humor about sex will keep things in perspective.Being able to laugh at ourselves and at the comical aspects of sex will take the pressure off the whole experience. We might love and adore our partner, but we don't have to be so serious about making love to them. Humour relieves pressure and is a great way to connect.
7. Enjoy The Give And Take(07 of07)
Open Image ModalThe best sex is the kind in which each person is trying to please the other one. The sharing in sex is one of the things that make it great. It can be technically amazing, but when one person gets the impression that the other person really isn't there with them, it can ruin the whole experience.What makes someone a fantastic lover is not their technical ability or their repertoire of moves but their attentiveness and their efforts to make their partner happy. When both people show that they really care about meeting their partner's needs, sex becomes something wonderful. (credit:Alamy)
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