Cash-rich Obama Buys Yahoo

Flush with cash after a deluge of online donations, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) stunned the business world today by outbidding Microsoft for the Internet giant Yahoo.

The purchase of Yahoo is believed to be the largest acquisition of a multibillion-dollar company ever by a Democratic presidential candidate, industry experts said.

A spokesman for Microsoft at the company's Redmond, Washington headquarters acknowledged that the company was "disappointed" to lose Yahoo to Sen. Obama, but added, "We can't really be mad at him, because we love him so."

The news of Sen. Obama's $48 billion offer for Yahoo sent a shudder through Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY)'s campaign, which for the past six weeks has been subsisting on Ramen noodles.

In his televised debate in Cleveland, Ohio with Sen. Clinton, Sen. Obama said that he was able to purchase Yahoo because his campaign was reaping online donations averaging $1.8 billion a day.

Mr. Obama also offered to "personally hire" 2 million Ohioans to do odd jobs around his campaign headquarters.

"People say, can we really come up with enough errands for 2 million Ohioans to do?" he said. "Yes we can."

Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick praised Sen. Obama's plan, telling reporters, "His campaign is more than just words, he is offering people a real opportunity to go on a Starbucks run."

Sen. Obama later added, "My campaign is more than just words, I am offering people a real opportunity to go on a Starbucks run."

Elsewhere, President Bush said that the economy was not in a recession, leading economists to conclude that the economy was in a recession.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He is the host of "Countdown to '08" at the 92nd Street Y on Tuesday, May 13 at 8 PM with his special guests Susie Essman (HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Jeffrey Toobin (CNN, bestselling author of The Nine. For tickets, go to 92y.org.