"Where in the heck is the cap to this thing?!"
These were the words I cried out in the gas station parking lot as I stood in a suit and heels, holding a massive jug of windshield wiper fluid with snow piling on top of my head. I had just run out of wiper fluid during a snowstorm on my way home from work, and managed to grandma-crawl my Mazda to a gas station off the highway. I ran in to the station looking crazed, with makeup smeared all over my face. My hands had gone numb and due to a couple spills, I had nearly wiped out on the blacktop. I then realized I left the jug's lid inside of the hood, and proceeded to get grease all over my hands and face trying to fish it out. At one point, someone walked by me looking genuinely concerned. Yes, stranger, I clearly have my life together.
If there's anything I've learned from the absurd sequence of events that make up my life, it's that life is beautifully imperfect. We are meant to laugh at ourselves.
As human beings, we like to unfairly compare ourselves to each other, creating ideas about those around us that are downright ridiculous. We actually think that some people are perfect, and that we aren't. Everyone has their messes. Everyone has a few past decisions they probably shouldn't have made, people they probably shouldn't have dated and shots of tequila they probably shouldn't have taken.
Not everything can be organized and neat, and it shouldn't be. Doing something stupid doesn't make you stupid. Losing a little control doesn't mean you've lost. Not having it all together doesn't mean you never will. It means you're human, and the second you realize that, you can begin the most incredible of love affairs -- the one with your own life.
Here are 28 steps to embracing that love affair:
1. Stop thinking that you have to have all the answers, or know exactly what direction you are headed. You don't. You just have to know what's in your heart, and follow it.
2. Eliminate the concept of embarrassment from your life. What is there to be embarrassed about? Who cares what anyone else thinks?
3. Say what you want to say. Do what you want to do. Love who you want to love. Be who you want to be.
4. Accept your past mistakes and let go of regret. Forgive yourself.
5. Be ambitious and motivated to achieve what you want to achieve, not what others want for you.
6. Stop comparing yourself to other people. You're supposed to be different.
7. Understand that no one is perfect. You will very rarely be able to understand someone you judge as perfect. You don't know what lies beneath the surface of those you envy.
9. Expect the unexpected.
10. Don't be ashamed to display confidence. Let people know what makes you proud of yourself.
11. Reflect on the lessons you've learned, and not the mistakes you've made that inspired them.
12. Accept disappointment.
13. Rejoice in the exciting uncertainty of the future. Nothing is set in stone, and it shouldn't be.
14. Stop making excuses that prevent you from being happy.
15. Choose to see the best in others.
16. Choose to see the best in yourself.
17. Be silly. Embrace fun. Let life happen, and smile at it.
18. Never fear seeming vulnerable or weak.
19. Look at what you've gained, rather than what you've lost.
20. Engage your emotions. Let yourself feel freely, even if it hurts. You can't love your life if you don't allow yourself to be captivated by the beauty of being alive.
21. Share your secrets. You don't need to hide your past from others. You shouldn't be ashamed. We all have made mistakes, and people should love you for the person you have worked so tirelessly to become.
22. Stop calling yourself broken and flawed. Stop making excuses for why you don't deserve love or happiness. Stop limiting yourself because of your imperfections. You can be your own worst enemy if you allow it.
23. Understand how impermanent life can be.
24. Understand your crappy job can be temporary and changeable.
25. Understand your broken heart can heal.
26. Understand your feuds can be reconciled.
27. Understand your wrongs can be forgiven.
28. Understand your life is truly a lover. It is only as perfect as you choose to see it as. When you love someone deeply, you look at everything they do with remarkably forgiving, understanding and positive vision. You see through their worries and insecurities. You tell them everything is going to be OK, and wrap them in your arms. You see the good in them. You believe in them. If you fall in love with your own life, it's the same thing.
You can see the beauty in the perfectly painted, messy masterpiece of your life.
Books Every Woman Should Read
Be Awesome by Hadley Freeman (01 of15)
Open Image ModalOnly Hadley (and perhaps Keanu Reeves) can get away with using the word awesome. This book is so compelling that you will have to quickly overcome any aversion to 'that word' as after reading it you will find that you will be unable to resist quoting segments of Hadley's text in daily conversations. Hadley herself is a great lover of quotes and she expertly weaves snippets of dialogue from classic films such as The Princess Bride and Ghostbusters into chapters on life as a modern woman. (credit:Fourth Estate Ltd)
The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman(02 of15)
Open Image ModalThis short story chillingly depicts a woman's descent into psychosis when her husband locks her in a room and forbids her from working. First published in 1892 it is a brave portrayal of the contemporary attitudes towards women's physical and mental health. (credit:Amazon)
The Humans by Matt Haig(03 of15)
Open Image ModalIt doesn't matter what gender you are, this is a great book for thinking about the way people are and how we can show a little empathy. It's also pretty funny. (credit:Canongate Books)
Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay(04 of15)
Open Image ModalIf you don't know who Roxane Gay is, you soon will. In this collection of political and personal essays Roxane explores how she has grappled to come to terms with her identity as a feminist. If you love pink, can't stop watching the Fast and the Furious or otherwise feel excluded by certain definitions feminism , then you'll love this book. (credit:Harper Perennial)
Not That Kind of Girl by Lena Dunham (05 of15)
Open Image ModalIt's witty, brutally honest and sets an example to women everywhere that it's okay to not be 'normal' (whatever that is). (credit:Random House)
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath(06 of15)
Open Image ModalThe author's first and only novel, The Bell Jar was published just one month before Plath tragically took her own life. The novel explores unsettling themes of depression and is thought (by some) to mirror Plath's own spiral into mental illness. It is also a feminist masterpiece, unpicking uneasy female stereotypes and despairing at what it was to be a woman at the time. (credit:Harper Perennial Modern Classics)
Man at the Helm by Nina Stibbe(07 of15)
Open Image ModalThis book teaches you that everything will still be fine and hilarious and okay if your divorcee mum moves you to the countryside and starts writing tragicomic plays and buys a cow. (credit:Little, Brown and Company)
The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins(08 of15)
Open Image ModalIf you like your teen fiction centered around a strong, but flawed, female main character, then you need to check out Suzanne Collin's distopian trilogy. You'll be hooked within a couple of pages and it is more-than-possible to devour the entire three books in just a few days. (credit:Scholastic Press)
A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini(09 of15)
Open Image ModalFocusing on female characters in Afghan society, this story of survival proves how brilliantly resilient women can be. It will make even the most reluctant feminist want to stand by her sister and fight for women's rights. (credit:Bloomsbury)
How To Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran(10 of15)
Open Image ModalBecause it does exactly what the title says, and more. An amazing, funny, heartbreaking piece of work. Also Claire Balding once said it should be required reading in all schools, and she wasn't kidding. (credit:Harper Perennial)
The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf(11 of15)
Open Image ModalWomen today have more power and professional success than ever before, yet we are not free from social control. This book will make you think about why and how you judge yourself when you're stood in front of the mirror. The Beauty Myth was first published in 1991 but sadly it is still all-too-relevant today. (credit:William Morrow and Company)
Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov(12 of15)
Open Image ModalLolita has been at the centre of much controversy, as it deals with the topic of child abuse in an unflinching manner, which is at times difficult to read. However, right from the very first word Vladimir cleverly weaves in clues that his narrator Humbert Humbert is not to be trusted and that the victim of child abuse is never to blame. (credit:Vintage)
We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche(13 of15)
Open Image ModalIf you are unsure whether you 'should' be feminist this book will answer your questions and leave you with no doubt that feminism is a label that you are proud to apply to yourself. (credit:Anchor)
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood(14 of15)
Open Image ModalWho has control of women's bodies is an issue that is very relevant today. The Handmaid's Tale gives us a prescient insight into just why it is so important that we protect a woman's right to have control of her own body. (credit:Anchor)
Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi(15 of15)
Open Image ModalThis graphic novel memoir of growing up in Iran during the Islamic Revolution is equal parts funny and heartbreaking. The book sees Marjane grappling with limitations and freedoms that come with being a 'woman'. (credit:Pantheon)