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'A Modern Guide to Manners': 9 Bizarre Etiquette Tips

Etiquette guides can be invaluable repositories of practical information and common sense. But what etiquette guides DON'T address are the hundreds of weird-but-true situations that make up modern life.
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Etiquette guides can be invaluable repositories of practical information and common sense. If you need to bang out a thank you note to a stuffy aunt, or to verbally address a Catholic prelate ex cathedra, Emily Post has got your back.

But what etiquette guides DON'T address are the hundreds of weird-but-true situations that make up modern life. Herewith--thanks to Ryan Haney, Esther Pica, Kathleen Warnock and David Kimball-Stanley--are nine of the more complicated manners scenarios you're likely to encounter, along with suggested responses, from "Would It Kill You to Stop Doing That?: A Modern Guide to Manners" (Twelve, $24.99).

#1(01 of09)
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Your Zumba instructor is always calling you "Boobs" even though, strangely, her own breasts are larger than your own.Your instructor sounds like someone who is trying to reach out, but who is constantly misfiring. Ask her out for coffee after class and see if there isn't some more palatable basis of comparison, or a shared interest, between you two. Maybe once she learns about the Asian cooking class you're taking, she'll call you "Noodles" instead. (credit:Henry Alford)
#2(02 of09)
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Someone's response to your having recommended him for a job, done all his errands for a week, and then listened to him ramble on drunkenly for five hours about his troubled marriage is an e-mail that reads, in toto, "thx." "Thx" never quite warms the heart, does it? You could mention your thx-related disappointment to your friend, but that would seem small; you could refrain from helping him next time, but that would seem even smaller. My tendency is, simply for my own amusement and reading pleasure, to highlight his "thx" and then increase its font size; to delete the "x" and capitalize the "t"; then to add, "ank you so much" and embellish with an exclamation point. Gratitude is born. (credit:Henry Alford)
#3(03 of09)
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Every time your boss says your last name, "Schifftbaum," it comes out "Shit Bomb." Ask him to stop. Ask his supervisor or spouse to ask him to stop. In the meantime, when you know he's about to say your name, try to help him out by pantomiming automotive gear-shifting. If none of these measures works, you may be forced to embrace the name. Each time your boss says it, make an explosion sound and waggle your fingers in the air to simulate rubble. (credit:Henry Alford)
#4(04 of09)
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A foodie friend has grown increasingly fetishistic about coffee, and now you are squirrelly about serving her brews made from conventionally-grown beans. In cases of connoisseurship, it's lovely for us plebes to make self-deprecating or lightly apologetic comments whenever we, say, show our homemade birdhouse to our friend who's an architect, or we serve a made-from-a-box brownie to our friend who's a chef. However, the onus falls equally on the connoisseur, who should try to ease us. "Don't be silly--I named my first child Duncan Hines" has a nice ring to it. (credit:Henry Alford)
#5(05 of09)
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A friend who's had a lot of plastic surgery keeps asking you "How do I look?," and you're wondering whether or not to mention the pooling Botox. If your concern about the "pool" is genuine, then you should express your reservations about the injections. Otherwise, tell a white lie; or say nothing but make the thumb's-up gesture. The thumb's-up gesture, like the wink, is wonderfully vague: it makes it clear that you approve of something, but what exactly you approve of, and what the ramifications of this approval are, is unclear. This lack of clarity is your cushion. (credit:Henry Alford)
#6(06 of09)
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A friend is always making overly dramatic entrances, and has suggested that, for his arrival at an upcoming birthday party you're throwing him, you purchase a confetti cannon. This situation seems to scream, Grin and bear it. Don't get the cannon. In all subsequent e-mailing with the friend, in any sentence where you might otherwise have used an exclamation point, try inserting the phrase "Confetti cannon!" If your friend expresses confusion about this practice, simply refer to it as a "teaching moment." (credit:Henry Alford)
#7(07 of09)
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Your stalker, in drag, sometimes rushes the stage at your cabaret shows. Many of us have a clingy friend. Typically it's a monologuist and frequent late-night telephone caller who has no interest in anyone's life but his own; but your case is darker. This person needs a Dear John letter, or a Dear John talk, or a Dear John restraining order. Start gently. (credit:Henry Alford)
#8(08 of09)
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Your conjoined twin has started trash-tweeting you. Explain to your twin that his insensitivity has fomented a lot of anger amongst his Twitter followers. Explain that all of this anger is directed at BOTH of you, and that you're BOTH taking the hit. Say that someone is marketing a T-shirt featuring your face and the name "Tweetledumb." (credit:Henry Alford)
#9(09 of09)
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A friend has unusual ideas about nailcare. No. (credit:Henry Alford)

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