Billionaire Dispatches from the DNC: Day 2 (We're Buy-Partisan)

Felonius Ax of the Billionaires here, reporting from Charlotte.

If you're wondering why a small, hearty contingent of billionaires has decamped in Charlotte for the Democratic Convention instead of sipping ginger ale at Mitt's vacation home at Lake Winnipesaukee, let me assure you that we are Buy-Partisan! We buy Democrats as well as Republicans!

This is especially true in years like 2008, when our Republican officials have been promoting our agenda so effectively that large swaths of the American people get the urge to ride them out of town on a rail. If we expect to protect our billionaire agenda from the tyranny of the majority, we need to cultivate some Democrats who will work tirelessly on our behalf.

The press describes these Democrats as "Centrist." But it's not like they're straddling some territory between being pro-gay marriage or anti-gay marriage. They're really "Corporatists." They pander to the same socially liberal causes as their fellow Dems, but when the time comes, they vote on our behalf to deregulate and privatize and outsource and downsize.

One such Democratic hero to the Billionaire cause was Senator Max Baucus. As a leading recipient of money from our health insurance companies, Max was the only thing that stood between our continued huge profits and the nightmare of real, comprehensive universal healthcare in America. And they didn't call Joe Lieberman "The Senator from Aetna" for nothing.

Although it's nice to keep a small collection of Democratic congressmen amid our much larger one of Republicans, when push comes to shove, we gravitate toward the Republican brand, because the Democratic base is pro-union, and even our own Billionaire-friendly Democrats are forced to pay lip-service to an anti-corporate message from time to time.

The Republican base is mostly social conservatives, and they don't seem to have any objection with voting against their financial self-interest for guys who will further ours. So we're writing our biggest checks to Republicans.

And if the Democrats in our collection get shellacked this year, they can count on a nice, fat sinecure with us as corporate lobbyists next year!

This has been Felonius Ax of the Billionaires, reporting from Charlotte.