Bush Balances Budget

Call it "fuzzy math" if you must, but members of the Bush administration are shooting champagne corks in each other's faces over the new, zero-deficit budget announced today.

Following on the success of several "don't ask, don't tell" war budgets, in which the government spends money but it doesn't count, the MBA administration today prudently moved the rest of its spending off the books. Now with "emergency funding" covering even Mount Rushmore nostril buffing, the federal budget is emptier than Barbara's Kwanzaa account. But, unlike Barbara, the budget is in balance.

"We need to be responsible for the decisions we make in life," said a mildly buzzed George W. Bush to thunderous applause at today's Rose Garden Fox conference. "This new approach responsibilifies the people's money." He then pointed at the hastily printed banner above his head, which attendees noted indeed said "Responsibilifying the People's Monkey."

Asked where in the wide, wide Enron of Arthur Andersen he came up with this republic-saving idea, Bush said, "Super-duper top secret," and, rather confusingly, pressed a finger gently across his smirk.

Presidential enthusiast Joe Lieberman, Democrat of sorts, peeked out from an undisclosed location in Bush's suit to praise what he called "the Bush Balance." Lieberman said, "Boy, I'm glad I never have to run any kind of political campaign against this administration, what with their bullock-sized testicles always threatening to concuss opposition." He then spent two full minutes mumbling dreamily and sighing, giving every indication that he would have continued in this vein had not Bush zipped up.

The Chief Expletive left immediately after the announcement for a campaign swing through several southern states, where he will argue that the balanced budget will get more balanced as soon as poor people stop dreaming of school and food and housing safe from invading lakes.