Sorry Perverts. Y'all Ain't Invited to the Potty

Okay, let's say I'm transgender. I was born a gal and now I'm a fella. I live in North Carolina and I look like a truck driver. I have a deep gravelly voice and a Marine haircut. I wear cowboy hats, work boots and something on my bicep that looks like a prison tat. I say things like "dang." One day, I have to take a dump really badly so I dash into the nearest shop, Beauregard's Mattress and Bedding Store (which is having a sale on pillowcases) and ask where the bathroom is.

What's the clerk going to do? Ask to see my birth certificate, which, like all Americans, I carry on my person at all times just in case some yahoo needs to know that my birth name is Margaret.

Or let's say I'm a male to female transgender and I live in North Carolina and look like Scarlett Johansson. I stop at the Robert E. Lee Diner on Route 43 North, sit down at the counter and ask for a cup of coffee and a donut. Heads turn when I walk in. The males in the room leer at my cleavage and my long, tanned legs. All the wives glare at their husbands, secretly wishing they were built like me. I have to pee so I ask the counter guy where the bathroom is. I'm so gorgeous that he would like to follow me in there and hold the toilet paper.

Governor, what are you afraid of exactly? Every male or former male knows that urinal etiquette requires that you do not look over the urinal wall to catch a glimpse of your neighbor's wiener. That is, unless you're a secretly gay Republican lawmaker who has sponsored several anti-gay bills. Then it's okay.

Now let's say I'm a gay guy from Mississippi and I decide to eat at Stonewall's Pizza Emporium, a mom and pop joint in Biloxi. I'm not wearing a boa or eyeliner. I'm wearing a business suit. First of all, there's no guard at the door whose job it is to keep gay people out. And even if there were, what's he going to do? Ask me if I ever won a Tony Award or if I can sing the opening bars of "Rent?" And how do they even know the guard isn't gay?

Bubba, you have to be able to identify these evil, Godless, perverted transgressors or it doesn't work. Your elected officials are just showboating, probably unaware that there's an actual musical called "Showboat."

And seriously, do you geniuses not have anything better to do than pass boneheaded legislation like this? Why don't you spend your time doing what you like to do best---re-enacting Civil War battles so you can be the only people in the world that celebrate a war you lost.

Sure, the Bible says that homosexuality is a sin but it also says that you can be executed by stoning if you curse your parents, take the Lord's name in vain (it's unclear whether "gosh darn" qualifies) or if you're not a virgin on your wedding night. I don't know about you, but I would certainly inform the authorities if I found out my new wife was not a virgin on my wedding night. I'm a good, law-abiding citizen. Sure, she would get stoned but hopefully she would share the joint.

Guess what crackers? All this nonsense is in the Koran too (except the transgender stuff--you can't do the required surgery with an axe or a farm implement and it's not in the Bible either.) So what's next? Y'all going to change your state anthem to "Hey Mr. Taliban, Tally Me Banana"? You don't like Sharia Law, remember?