This piece originally appeared on Medium.
A restaurant in Colorado has unveiled a Trump Burger, topped with two bacon-wrapped cream-cheese-filled jalapeño poppers. (Their idea is that it's so spicy, it leads people who eat it to say, "You're Fired!")
I think I can do a little better. So I came up with a whole menu of burgers inspired by each of the presidential candidates...
The Trump: A pound of PCP between two buns. May lead to overconfidence and the perception those around you are "low energy."
The Jeb Bush: Made with 100 percent USDA Dynasty Beef, topped with a sprinkle of queso fresco, and served in a Super PACK. Sounds great on paper but tastes uninspiring.
The Hillary Clinton: A totally spontaneous, unscripted burger cooked to order by a team of political consultants over a period of six weeks and four focus groups.
The Bernie Sanders: Topped with enough hot peppers to cause delirium and a belief in impossible things. Feel the Bern.
The Bobby Jindal: A good old-fashioned, all-American burger. Definitely nothing Indian about it whatsoever.
The Carly Fiorina: A burger served in a jammed HP printer.
The Rand Paul: You have to make this burger yourself and you're not allowed to share it. Because that's freedom.
The Ted Cruz: Topped with bacon, cheese and a slab of lard. After it gives you heart disease, it takes away your healthcare.
The Marco Rubio: We designed this burger to appeal to the growing population of Latino diners. There's nothing in it that most Latinos like to eat, but we just wanted them to know we were thinking of them.
The Mike Huckabee: Ground dinosaur meat served on an ark. Gluten free.
The Lawrence Lessig: A veggie burger that became a beef burger to expose the evils of factory farming. Once it abolishes beef burgers, it goes back to being a veggie burger.
The Chris Christie: A burger inside an identical burger inside an identical burger. It's full of itself.
The Ben Carson: Looks like a regular, mild-mannered burger, but after you eat it you compare everything to slavery or the Holocaust.
The Kasich Graham O'Malley Pataki Santorum Gilmore: We'll figure out what this burger is as soon as one person orders it.
So, what are you having?
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