Not Worried This Time

I think this is the first time ever that I have not worried about my upcoming appointment with my oncologist. Ever since I found out that I was pregnant, my life changed. I thought I knew the purpose of life after my experience with cancer -- but what I am realizing is that my purpose will forever grow with me.

Like I said, when I found out that I was pregnant, my life changed instantly. I had a little baby to worry about and that was it -- and at that time, I did not know that I was having twins. Everything was simple -- I had to do my best to make sure my growing baby was getting everything that he or she needed. Once I found out I was having twins, I had to keep reminding myself that I was carrying two lives inside of me. It's a miracle really. I never really told too many people that I wanted children. Chemotherapy really does a number on your body, and I knew that after 9 months of aggressive chemo, I might not be able to have children. It's quite difficult to comprehend when you're 22, going on 23. When I was about 25, well after I was finished with treatment, I decided that I had to go see my doctor and talk to him about my chances of having children. I was nowhere near ready, I was too young, it was not on my radar, but I knew that someday, I might want kids. I wanted to find out ahead of time so that if I did receive bad news, I would be prepared, and not let down at the moment I realize that I really want kids. My doctor told me everything was perfectly fine, and it was a HUGE weight lifted off my 25-year-old shoulders. I still didn't trust my body though. I never did trust it after being diagnosed. Like I said, I didn't really tell anyone that I wanted children because I really didn't want to come to reality with having to be let down -- or letting down my family. People seemed shocked when I told them I was expecting because they didn't know that that was something that I wanted -- when -- it's something I've wanted for a long time. I feel so lucky and blessed, and quite honestly, I feel like I'm carrying two little miracles.

So, back to why I'm not worried this time. All my focus right now is on my babies and staying healthy for them. I haven't ONCE thought about my cancer returning. I know what my chances are, and they have always terrified me -- but this time it's different. I was sitting at my desk and my oncologist's office was calling. I figured that I forgot to make a payment or something. When I answered and it was simply a reminder call for an appointment this Thursday -- I was like wow -- this is the first time I've ever forgotten! I always know the time and date, and have a dreaded countdown to it. I'm usually sick with worry and stress. This time, I don't even care. I actually trust my body -- finally. I have been feeling great and have been taking care of myself -- and my heart didn't skip a beat when I was reminded of my appointment.

I have always said that I don't think that it would get easier (having my check-ups with my oncologist) -- but wow, was I wrong. My goal is to focus on my babies -- and I know that the universe will take care of me. It's amazing how things work out. Sometimes I feel like I have the worst luck and can be a pessimist, but this really turned my world upside-down. I feel so positive, and after beating cancer, and then becoming pregnant, I feel like I know the purpose of my life. I survived cancer so that I could bring these two little miracles into the world -- cheesy as it may sound, I truly believe that.