Pantone Color Names vs. What They Actually Look Like

Serenity and Rose Quartz sound like perfumes from a Parisian boutique, but they’re actually just the names of Pantone’s lame ass colors of the year.

Here’s a list of some fancily named Pantone colors and what they actually look like to me:

Serenity — you will quickly achieve nirvana surrounded by this utterly forgettable light blue

Rose Quartz — the luscious, decadent color of human skin as painted by white preschoolers

Orchid Haze — one of the potential side effects of Prozac

Cream Gold — the color of a mustard stain from a disgusting street hot dog that you were too drunk to remember eating

Nostalgia Rose — remember when red used to be fun and interesting? sigh…those were the good old days

Cloud Dancer — at last! the truly liberating and totally not depressing off-white our souls have been yearning for!

Luminary Green — looks like when you throw up after you come down from molly and realize you accidentally ate a glowstick

Puritan Gray —children come hither, everyday should serve as a reminder of the glorious burning of innocent people at the stake. let us pray…

Cocoon — produces a subtly disturbing, no-escape feeling, but great for caterpillar cosplay

Greige — no way, you’re telling me grey and beige had a kid together? is it as totally fucking boring as its parents? it is? cool cover my whole house in it

Fallen Rock — gorgeous when paired with Traumatic Headwound Red

Major Brown — this gruff, high-ranking official in the army of boring fucking browns has seem some shit, literally, in the mirror every day

Volcanic Glass — an epic, action-packed name for the blandest dark grey you’ll ever see. but seriously, R.I.P. the people of Pompeii

Lupine —no it’s not the name of a sex position! well sort of, but did you know it’s also the name of a plant? …you’re just watching porn now aren’t you? not surprised

Sphinx — the answer to its baffling, mysterious, centuries-old riddle is “light brown”

Grapeade — for when you want to live in that drink you can only get at the dollar store. the one with the blind, three-legged dog that belongs to the 1,000-year-old cashier that speaks a language time has forgotten. please don’t forget to pick up an expired can of a fruit you’ve never heard of to poison yourself with

Follow me on Twitter for more really funny and good and smart stuff like this: twitter.com/Steven_Markow