I feel as though a lot of people who read my articles are under the impression that I am suggesting eventually someone is going to come into their life and every puzzle piece will simply pop into place. Doves will fly out from behind you, a chorus will follow you around on every date, you will find a bag with 10 million dollars in the street, which you will use to move to Pleasantville, U.S.A.
Sorry, it doesn't work that way, and I never claimed that it did.
Life is messy. Relationships are messy. I have said in past articles that love is not all you need. You need mutual respect, compromise, sacrifice, understanding, the willingness to work at it and stand by him or her when times get rough. You need to be willing to be by their side not only during the bright days but also during the dark ones. To encourage them to become the best version of themselves, but also to love and accept them as they are today.
To be under the impression that the perfect person will come along is to be under the impression that relationships do not take work. When, in fact, no relationship has ever worked without work itself. When I look around at my parents, grandparents, or other couples who have been together for decades -- I am often surprised by how different they are from each other. None of them will tell you that they have been married for 30+ years because the pieces just fell into place. None of them will tell you that they are free from fights, disagreements, or conflicts.
None of them will tell you that they will stay together forever because, hey, it's easy. None of them will tell you that they pledged their life to the other because being with them is sunshine and rainbows every single day.
But, that's the thing about love. When you love someone -- when you really love someone, it's not a matter of convenience. It's not only something you feel when times are good, it is the very foundation of staying together when times are not as good. When they are bad. When life is tough. That's when you pull those you love closer, not push them away. It's the cornerstone of your willingness to fix something you might feel is broken instead of just throwing it away.
You are committing to someone's whole self. You are not just committing to them under the condition that they stay young and beautiful -- because they will not. And neither will you. You are not just committing to them until someone better comes along -- you are committing to the idea while neither they nor your relationship is perfect -- this is the person you want to be with. You are committing to their very being. To the idea that the two of you are the consistent center and your circumstances simply orbit around you.
You do not commit to someone because things are perfect, you commit to them in spite of the fact that they're not.
Commitment is not just an arbitrary word to be found in the dictionary. It is not just a statement of temporary monogamy. It is a pledge, a vow, a way of living that embodies honor and integrity. Commitment is not a rule, or a regulation -- it is an action.
Commitment is not the act of losing your freedom; but exercising it to choose who you want to give your most valuable gifts to:
Your time, your emotions, and your heart.
Sorry, you'll never find the perfect person. But, you will find the right person, once you realize that the two do not have to be the same.
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Grandparents' Best Marriage Advice
1. Keep up the PDA (01 of15)
Open Image Modal"I've never seen a photo of my grandparents where they weren't embracing -- whether it was when they were dating, had five kids under age 8, or just before my grandfather died of cancer. I couldn't wait to grow up and have what they had with someone. They were a real life fairy tale." - Cari Watts-Savage (credit:Courtesy of Cari Watts-Savage )
2. You don't have to agree on everything(02 of15)
Open Image Modal"My grandparents were married for 65 years until my grandma passed away last summer. Opposite religions, opposite politics and they still made it work. I have a lot to live up to!" - Clare Dych (credit:Courtesy of Clare Dych)
3. Age ain't nothin' but a number (03 of15)
Open Image Modal"I asked my grandma why she married my grandpa who she only dated for one year when she was 18 and he was 31. She answered me, 'Why not? He was hot back then!' My grandparents weren't the lovey-dovey type and actually distant, I think, due to the 13-year age gap. But they didn't bail, they're faithful, they kept each other for better or worse, in sickness and health, through thick and thin." - Tze Tonn Ng (credit:Courtesy of Tze Tonn Ng)
4. You can do anything if you do it together(04 of15)
Open Image Modal"After 40 years of smoking five packs of cigarettes a day together, they decided to quit with no outside help. And they did. Together." - Michelle Brown (credit:Michelle Brown)
5. Marriage is not something to be taken lightly (05 of15)
Open Image Modal"When I got married, my grandmother and grandfather had been married some 68 years. My grandmother gave me her blessings and told me that if I got married, I had to stay married and it was a lifetime commitment." - Leslie Johnson (credit:Terry & Leslie Johnson)
6. Be with someone who makes you laugh(06 of15)
Open Image Modal"My grandparents were always teasing each other. We all got such a kick out of it growing up, hanging out in their kitchen and listening to them when we were over there for dinner. But it also showed us how important it is to be with someone that you'll have fun with, no matter what life may throw at you." - Kristen Girone (credit:Courtesy of Kristen Girone)
7. Never stop flirting with each other(07 of15)
Open Image Modal"Pinch butts." - Sarah Hosseini (credit:Courtesy of Sarah Hosseini)
8. Your roles may shift in ways you never imagined (08 of15)
Open Image Modal"My grandparents very much conformed to regular gender roles my entire childhood, but when my grandmom got sick, it was amazing to see my granddad taking care of her and cooking and cleaning. They really proved to me that true love lasts a lifetime and that marriage can last 'until death do you part.'" - Carrie Burke (credit:Courtesy of Carrie Burke)
9. Always kiss hello and goodbye(09 of15)
Open Image Modal"My maternal grandparents always kiss and say 'I love you' before they leave and it's the first thing they do when they come together again -- whether it's a run to the grocery store or a full day's work." - J. Williams (credit:Courtesy of J. Williams )
10. You never know who you'll fall in love with (10 of15)
Open Image Modal"I learned that love is unexpected, and anyone can fall in love, even if the relationship is shunned by society. Their love was somewhat reminiscent of Romeo and Juliet in the sense that they were both on different sides of society, but fell in love and had to keep their relationship secret at first." - Carter Garcia-Kimura (credit:Courtesy of Carter Garcia-Kimura )
11. Find joy in the little things (11 of15)
Open Image Modal"They found joy in sharing the details of daily living. Always smiling, even when doing the weekly budget or grandma peeling a banana for grandpa because she knew he didn't like the feel of it." - Kristen Van Orden (credit:Courtesy of Kristen Van Orden)
12. Not every day is going to be a picnic and that's OK(12 of15)
Open Image Modal"You don't have to like each other every day." - Nicole Snyder (credit:Courtesy of Nicole Snyder)
13. It takes two people to make a marriage work(13 of15)
Open Image Modal"They divorced after three kids and nearly 40 years of marriage, but my grandmother has always told me: A relationship will never work unless [both people] want it to." - Mina Barnett (credit:Mina Barnett)
14. Sometimes your first love isn't your forever love(14 of15)
Open Image Modal"You might not get things right the first time, but you can't give up because it could be the second time that you find true happiness. My grandparents have been together for 25 years and although my grandpa is not my biological one, he is the best thing to happen to our family and I could not love him more." - Natasha Baker-Streit (credit:Gabriel Harber Photography)
15. Never stop doing the things you love together (15 of15)
Open Image Modal"They share a sense of humor and make it a priority to do things they enjoy together, even though that has become harder for them with age." - Theresa Kelliher (credit:Courtesy of Theresa Kelliher)
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