Current outside temperature in Austin: 103
Number of days it will remain this temperature in Austin: 103
Number of days since the upstairs A/C went out: 1/2
Amount of swear words uttered since the upstairs A/C went out: 50
Amount of swear words uttered that began with "mother": 49
Number of times the A/C repairman was called: 6
Number of times the A/C repairman's secretary told us to "Keep your pants on, hon": 2
Number of times we told the A/C repairman's secretary that she's an asshole if she thinks anyone in our house is still wearing pants: 2
Hours until the mythical A/C repairman will arrive at our house: 24
Hours until a hooker will be hired to bribe the mythical A/C repairman to hurry up: 12
Hours until we all go insane and maim each other with sharpened Popsicle sticks: 1
Current downstairs temperature: 75
Current upstairs temperature: 95
Odds that a cloud will form on the landing where the cold air and hot air meet: 1 in 100
Odds that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about regarding how clouds form: 1 in 1
Number of kids who now need to sleep on the downstairs hide-a-bed: 2
Number of times kids on the hide-a-bed will scream, "He's touching my butt!" and start a 3 a.m. fistfight: 32
Number of times the kids' dad will scream, "Mommy's touching MY butt!" and start a 3 a.m. fistfight: 1
Number of minutes mommy will try to remove her wedding ring from her heat-swollen finger: 2
Bottles of wine needed to get through The A/C Incident of 2014: 2
Bottles of wine currently in the house: 0
Average speed car will be driven to the liquor store to remedy this problem: 76 mph
Total amount of fine on speeding ticket received for the liquor store flyby: $102.00
Chances that we are all now strongly considering a move to North Dakota: 100%