The 2011 Fall TV Schedule (Sort Of)

MONDAY

8-9

ABC: Cutting Medicare With the Stars
CBS: Enough Structural Narrative Masturbation to Drive Terrence Malick to Drink; Can Two Hackneyed Stereotypes Work Together in a Restaurant Without Driving TV Viewers Crazy?
NBC: Wow--It's Groups of People Singing Songs I Don't Give a Shit About as Opposed to Individuals Singing Them
FOX: When Rick Perry Watches This, Does He Think, "What's the Big Deal? Humans and Dinosaurs Co-Existed, Didn't They?"
CW: So--These Kids Are, What, In Their 50s By Now?
AMC: We Show Rambo for the 12,000th Time, But With "Notes" We Ripped Off From the Internet Movie Database
CNN: Now That 9/11 Is Over, We Can Return to Round the Clock Coverage of What Sarah Palin Had For Lunch and the Latest Mom to Murder Her Child
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs -- Yes, TV Is That Easy

9 - 10

CBS: I Certainly Hope Ashton Kutcher Can Come Close to Matching Charlie Sheen's Lubitsch-Like Comic Grace; Another Season of Fat Jokes That You're Not Supposed to Feel Good About Laughing At Because, Hey, We're All People
FOX: Get a Crash Cart...Please
CW: Rachel Bilson as a Doctor--This Must Be a Comedy
Bravo: The Real Housewives of Tralfamadore, Where the Flying Saucers Come From
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

10 - 11

ABC: Decidedly I Suffer From the Nerves
CBS: With All Due Respect to Daniel Dae Kim, There's Only One Chin Ho and That's Kam Fong!
NBC: Turn-Ons: Nudity, Turn-Offs: Shows With Playboy in Their Title That Have No Nudity
Spike TV: - #1125: Foot Fault - A Guy Cuts Off His Foot, Then Eats His Foot, Then His Foot Comes Out of His Ass and Kicks Him in the Nuts Until He Dies
Syfy: X-Men ÷ Heroes = zzzzz
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

TUESDAY

8-9

ABC: Couldn't They Make Galaxy Quest Into a Series?; Relationships Sure Are Crazy, Am I Right?
CBS: NCIS: Honah Lee
NBC: Gawkin' at the Fatties!
FOX: Now With 30 Percent More Mawkishness
CW : Aaron Spelling Dead Is Still More Popular Than Most People Will Ever Be Alive
Telemundo: María de Corazón Roto y Malestar Estomacal
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

9 - 10

ABC: Mine Sweeping With the Stars
CBS: NCIS: Minas Tirith
FOX: Zooey Deschanel Rams Quirky Adorableness Down Your Gullet; White Trash Follies
CW: Anything With Identical Twins Must Be Good
CNN: Aside From Phone Hacking, Piers Morgan Tries to Explain Why Anyone Anywhere Should Pay Attention to Him **
Bravo: Kids Used to Want to Be Doctors and Ballerinas and Astronauts But, Apparently, They Now Want To Be Stylists to the Stars
truTV: Hardcore Dry Cleaning
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

10 - 11

ABC: Forensics Show #52317
CBS: Oh, My Darling, It's Inconceivable/There's a Premise Less Believable/Ratings Will Be Unachievable, Too...
NBC: Maybe Max Braverman and Tommy Westphall From St. Elsewhere Can Fight Crime Together
Food Network: Cook! Cook! Where's My Hasenpfeffer?
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

WEDNESDAY

8-9

ABC : Family Sitcom That Slipped Through the Cracks and Will Probably Be On as Long as Family Matters; Satirizing the Suburbs? Wow, ABC Doesn't Care Whose Toes It Steps On!
CBS :Survivor: Perdition's Flame
NBC: Raising Babies Sure Is Crazy, Am I Right?; Office Romances Sure Are Crazy, Am I Right?
FOX: See, This Is Completely Different From American Idol Because...Er...Um...Look Behind You! A Monster!
CW: Thank God Someone Finally--FINALLY--Gives Celebrities Airtime to Express How Everyone Misunderstands Them
TLC: I Didn't Know I Was Impaled on a Fence Post
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

9 - 10

ABC: I Still Don't Get This One But I Hated Murphy Brown and Will & Grace, Too, So What Do I Know?; Relationships Sure Are Crazy, Am I Right?
CBS : Every Serial Killer in America Turns Him or Herself In, Leaving Our Profilers to Stare Intently at Themselves
NBC: Insert David E. Kelley Law-Related Atrocity Here
FOX: Raising Girls Sure Is Crazy, Am I Right?
CW: Usually One Must Go to the Sorbonne to Learn How to Pose in 12-Inch Heels, Raw Liver and Bathtubs of Blood
Discovery: Can a Dead Person Enter Your Dreams and Kill You?
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

10 - 11

ABC: It's Like The Count of Monte Cristo...With a Chick!
CBS: CSI: Krakatoa, East of Java
NBC: Law & Order: Bruised Fruit Unit
TV Land: Betty White Says "Poo" And We Laugh Ourselves Into a Coma
Animal Planet: Confessions: I Attach Cameras to Platypuses to Look Up Women's Skirts
TLC: Extreme Envelope Sealing
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

THURSDAY

8-9

ABC: Once It Was Jiggly Crap, Now It's Retro and Edgy
CBS: They're Still Geeks, Right? Okay, Just Checking; One's Uptight, One's an Asshole--Got That? Because I'm Only Typing It Once
NBC: Modern Family Wins Ten Nobel Prizes and This Doesn't Get One Lousy Emmy Nomination?; http://catsthatlooklikeronswanson.tumblr.com/
FOX: I Hope the Winner Is a 12-Year Old Girl Who Sings "Group Sex" by the Circle Jerks
CW: Vampires and Witches and Ghosts, Go Die
Glenn Beck TV: Freemasons Are In My Cereal: A 12-Part Report
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

9 - 10

ABC:Do Not Resuscitate
CBS: Destiny Is a Fickle Bitch
NBC: If James Spader Recreates Scenes From Secretary With Ellie Kemper, I'll Watch; Stand-Up Comics Getting Their Own Crappy Sitcoms Sure Is Crazy, Am I Right?
FOX: The Emily Deschanel Bakes Cookies For and Then Makes Out With Spencer Green Hour ***
CW: Insert Long Dormant Christine O'Donnell Joke Here
Bravo: The Real Housewives of Fort Apache
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

10 - 11

ABC: Somewhere, Marcus Welby Is Throwing Up
CBS: You Don't Hear Much About the "Psychic Friends Network" Anymore--Are They Still in Business? Did They See It Coming?
NBC: I Like Maria Bello But Helen Mirren Is Still a Thousand Times Hotter
MTV: I Would Almost Consider Getting MTV to Watch This
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

FRIDAY

8-9

ABC: Extreme Makeover: The House at Pooh Corner
CBS:Truly Madly Deeply + A Christmas Carol + Patch Adams = Sound of Gagging
NBC: The Geek In Me Demands I Watch Some of This
FOX: I Always Thought Gordon Ramsay Was British
CW: Sure She's Tough, But Do Her Punches Have the Power of Kicks?
Current TV: Keith Olbermann's Ego Breaks Loose and Kills a Busload of School Children
The Oprah Winfrey Network: This Seemed Like a Good Idea, Didn't It?
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

9 - 10

ABC: I Saw an Episode of This Where a Guy Invented a Golf Club You Can Piss Into: http://www.uroclub.com/
CBS : CSI: O.K. Corral
NBC: I'm Waiting for the Super Dark Revisionist Aesop's Fables Procedural That's Gritty and Totally In Your Face
FOX: Gene the Cow Leaves The Show, Does Ill-Advised Remake of Jade
CW : In Case You Were Wondering, This Has Been On For Six Seasons
Galavisio: Voluble Suerte, ¿Por Qué Me Enfadé?
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

10 - 11

ABC: 20/20: How's Hugh Downs Doing? Is He Eating Right?
CBS: There's Something Very Comforting About Tom Selleck Being Somewhere on TV
NBC: Dateline: Insert Chris Hansen Joke of Your Choice Here
HGTV: How to Combine a House That Drips Blood With a House of Wax and a House That Screams
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

SATURDAY

8-9

ABC: Personally, I Think College Chess Players Should Be Paid, Too
CBS: In 1974, the CBS Saturday Schedule Included All in the Family, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and The Bob Newhart Show
NBC: An Opportune Time to Rewatch Something That Will Be Cancelled By the Time You Finish Watching It Again
FOX: Just to Make You Feel Really Old, This Has Been On for 24 Seasons
Spike TV: Guys Who Kick And the Women Who Love Them
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

9 - 10

CBS: In 1984, It Was Airwolf and Mickey Spillane's Mike Hammer
NBC: Footage of Executives Still Wondering Why They Promoted Jeff Zucker
FOX: Does It Matter? We're Just Waiting for American Idol
The History Channel: The Tragic History of People at Home on Saturday Nights
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

10 - 11

CBS: In 1994, It Was Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman and Walker, Texas Ranger So, You See, It's All Devolved Accordingly
NBC: Footage of Executives Watching Their Remaining Audiences Wither and Die
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

SUNDAY

8-9

ABC: After It's Cancelled, We'll All Live Happily Ever After
CBS: To Save Money This Season, Everyone Just Goes to the Grocery and Buys Some International Coffees ****
NBC: I'm Happy to Step In For Peyton Manning at Only Three-Quarters of His Salary
FOX: Have No Fears, They Have Stories For Years; So, It's Not Enough We Have to Endure Jonah Hill in Movies, We Have to Hear Him in Cartoons, As Well?
Inspiration Network: Duh--Something Inspirational
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

9 - 10

ABC: I Thought This Ended Years Ago
CBS: Are There More Lawyer Shows or Doctor Shows Currently On? Sometimes I Lose Track
FOX: The Seth MacFarlane Must Have Photos of Someone at Fox Fucking a Donkey Hour
HBO: At Least This Temporarily Stops People From Talking About Mad Men
AMC: It's Fun to Read Internet Debates About Slow Zombies Vs. Fast Zombies and Realize These People Will Be Electing a President Next Year
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

10 - 11

ABC: The Captain Has Turned On the Smug Hindsight Sign
CBS: CSI: The Korova Milkbar
Bravo: The Real Housewives of Whatever Fucking City Will Have Them
Showtime: Let's Count How Many Times Claire Danes Yells, "Damn It!"
HBO: The Sad Adventures of Johnny Cockpenis; Sorry Guys, But the Chinese Now Own the American Dream
A&E: We Find Real-Life Pathetic People, We Film Real-Life Pathetic People, and Then You Watch Them Like Drooling Dogs--Yes, TV Is That Easy

** But, he's been on longer than Spitzer, so that's something, huh?
*** mid-season replacement
**** Jean-Luc!