Punch Shame in the Gut

Have you seen the story that's circulated social media about a particular "unshaming" African tribe?

"When someone does something harmful, they take the person to the center of the village where the whole tribe comes and surrounds them. For two days, they will say to the man all the good things he has done ... The community sees those mistakes as a cry for help. They unite then to lift him, to reconnect him with his true nature, to remind him who he really is, until he fully remembers the truth of which he had temporarily disconnected: 'I am good.'"

Isn't that too fantastical? Too bad it isn't true.

But while reading it, didn't you want to believe it was true? Isn't this the kind of community we'd prefer to live in? One that reminds us of our goodness -- which we tend to forget -- instead of telling us about our badness -- which we never forget? One that wants the best for someone else because they know someday they may very well be in the other person's position? One that chooses to build up instead of break down?

Where Shame Begins

"That's not how we act in this family!"

"Man up, son!"

"I don't even know who you are anymore."

In heightened states of emotion, parents can spew shame-filled words. While shame finds its origin in dozens of people and circumstances, far too many grown adults still experience shame because of how their parents (or primary caregivers) treated them as children or teenagers.

A mom may have shamed her daughter for behavior deemed unacceptable in their family: "That's not how we act in this family!"

A dad may have shamed his son for shedding tears over losing his dog: "Man up, son!"

An older sibling may have shamed a younger sibling about an addiction: "I don't even know who you are anymore."

But what could have happened in these situations had the one with power chosen to speak affirmation instead of shame?

"That's OK. We're going to work through this together. I don't think this is who you are. But you also need to know that I believe in you. In fact, I believe the best in you. You may have done a bad thing, but you're not a bad person."

Where Shame Can End

When we choose to focus more on the negative behavior in others rather than the best in them, we're subtly agreeing that the person should feel shame for being "messed up." But when we choose to focus more on the possibilities instead of the problem, we're subtly suggesting that the person can overcome their issues.

We're placing them in the middle of the fictional African tribe and reminding them of who they are. We're calling out the best in them so that they can overcome themselves. We're silencing their persistent, negative, shame-filled internal dialogue.

But how does the well-meaning though fictional story of the encouraging African tribe directly apply to you in your everyday life? How does looking at the solution more than the problem help you and your relationships?

The tagline for my counseling practice is, "Discovering the Best Version of You." I'm determined to help others grab onto the best in themselves and overcome toxic shame that keeps them held hostage.

Here's the imminently practical aspect of all this counselor-speak: As a friend, spouse, parent, employee, co-worker, or neighbor, you will often be presented with the opportunity to counsel others. Instead of replicating the shame-based words your parents may have used with you, consider focusing on the other person's goodness and what you can do together to find a solution to their problem.

If enough of us do this, maybe some day the fictional story we started with will be true.

For more info on healthy marriages, pick up a copy my book The Stories We Tell Ourselves. Click here to ask questions or make comments. Feel free to email Scott.