Charlie Sheen Rant (AUDIO)

"Two and a Half Men" was canceled for the season on Thursday, and here's why: Charlie Sheen went on an extended rant on the Alex Jones Radio Show on Thursday, touting his mental curing abilities, ninja training, magic fingertips and, most consequentially, ripping "Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre -- whom he later challenged to an ultimate fighting match. It's a doozy.

A few select bytes. First, on Lorre:

"I'm tired of being told 'You can't talk about that, you can't talk about that.' Bull S-H-I-T. There's something this side of deplorable that a certain Chaim Levine -- yeah, that's Chuck's real name -- mistook this rock star for his own selfish exit strategy, bro. Check it, Alex: I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his unevolved mind cannot process. Last I checked, Chaim, I spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write. Clearly someone who believes he's above the law."

And on his newest addiction:

"I have cleansed myself. I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond, I cured myself... It's the work of sissies. The only thing I'm addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math ... another one of their mottoes is 'Don't be special, be one of us.' Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bulls**t! I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I cured it, I'm done ... you don't look like you're having a lot of fun. I'm gonna hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view, Alex!"

For more quotes, click here. To listen to the rant, check out the video below.