Maybe you've seen it by now -- the Instagram photo that went viral of a woman sitting on the toilet, contents of the cabinet strewn all over, while a standing toddler helps herself to the woman's right boob. Looking directly into the camera, the mom smiles with raised eyebrows as if to say, "Yep. Same crazy, different day."
As expected, the photo, with a caption that asked, "What's your mom truth?", ignited plenty of discussion. Little was in response to her question.
I've nursed a baby on the toilet. You know where I haven't nursed a baby? In a field of daisies while a gentle breeze blew through my hair.
One of these scenarios is the real-life nitty gritty. One only happens in stock photos. Like her accompanying hashtag -- #MotherhoodAintPretty -- suggests.
In fact, motherhood can be downright gross. And momentarily breastfeeding a demanding kid while on the toilet in your own bathroom is far from the worst of it.
Is it an overshare? Of course it is. I have a strict "no taking photos of people on the toilet" philosophy. Hell, I probably wouldn't let you take a photo of me without mascara. But there's something to be said for being honest about the messiness that is raising small people.
Here is a list of truly disgusting things I've done as a mother, and guess what? None of them occurred while lounging in the countryside.
1. I've performed mouth-to-nose on a congested baby, spitting the gelatinous contents into a handkerchief, and only gagged a little.
2. I instinctively leapt toward a retching toddler to catch vomit with my bare hands.
3. Two words: LICE INFESTATION.
4. I've woken up in a puddle of piss, completely disgusted and equally relieved that it wasn't my own.
5. I've spent a collective six and a half days standing around in public bathrooms waiting for a singing child to WRAP IT UP.
6. I've stashed prized princess urine-soaked underwear in my purse because tossing them and dealing with that nuclear fallout was less appealing.
7. These people have sneezed and coughed directly INTO MY MOUTH.
8. I have eaten mashed banana from the fat, sweaty hand of a gracious baby and managed to make an "mmmm!" sound while not totally grimacing.
10. I've scooped turds out of a bathtub.
11. I've lost the game of "water or week-old milk" when fishing sippy cups from under the couch.
12. I've played the game which truly has no winners, "Where is that vomit smell coming from?"
13. I have inadvertently eaten Goldfish that were soggy for reasons undetermined.
14. I have spent an afternoon wearing a shirt that had a legit streak of baby shit on it due to a carrier/diaper malfunction. (No one ever tells you to throw a change of clothes for yourself in the diaper bag. But to be fair, it was a walk downtown, not a jungle safari.)
15. I have spot-cleaned spit-up out of an otherwise clean pair of jeans.
16. I've milked myself like a cow, directly into the crusty eye of my irritated newborn.
17. In a moment of panic, I licked perfume out of the eye of my toddler, who, unbeknownst to me, had snatched a bottle off the shelf in Macy's and fired it right into her face. The blood-curdling scream nearly shattered the shelving.
18. The "clean their faces with saliva" animal instinct is strong.
19. My potty-training toddler crapped her pants at the private beach a few blocks from home, and because I didn't want to make matters worse with a ride home in the wagon and bathing suit bottoms sagging under the weight, I looked for an answer. It came in the form of a discarded coffee cup, complete with lid.
20. I've pulled teeth that were hanging sideways in the mouth of a child who cried for 20 minutes because he wanted me to pull them out, but not actually get within six feet of him.
21. Perhaps the most disgusting of all... I've shared their backwash-laden drinks. OMG. Is that an entire sandwich at the bottom?
You can check out more from Sara on her blog, Oddly Well Adjusted.
Cute Kid Notes
'I Am Sorry Ben'(01 of91)
Open Image Modal'Don't Tease People About Their Skin Color'(02 of91)
Open Image ModalI Need Cash Now(03 of91)
Open Image ModalTime For A New Pen(04 of91)
Open Image ModalHow To Cook A Turkey(05 of91)
Open Image ModalSister In My House(06 of91)
Open Image ModalI Made A Blob(07 of91)
Open Image ModalDear So-Called Tooth Fairy(08 of91)
Open Image ModalA Math Homework Mystery(09 of91)
Open Image ModalYou Can Be My NEXT Boyfriend(10 of91)
Open Image ModalCan I Do Karaty?(11 of91)
Open Image ModalMake It Rain Tacos(12 of91)
Open Image ModalCloudy With A Chance Of Kale(13 of91)
Open Image ModalAn Opinion Question(14 of91)
Open Image ModalMacy's School Hairstyles(15 of91)
Open Image ModalStating The Obvious(16 of91)
Open Image ModalThree Sentences That Mean The World(17 of91)
Open Image ModalGoals For 3rd Grade(18 of91)
Open Image ModalDear Bill Clinton(19 of91)
Open Image ModalOne Track, His Mind Is(20 of91)
Open Image ModalA Note From The Teacher(21 of91)
Open Image ModalIf The Shoe Fits...(22 of91)
Open Image ModalNo Toking(23 of91)
Open Image Modal'You Are A Superhero'(24 of91)
Open Image ModalFor Mommy(25 of91)
Open Image ModalFantasy vs. Reality(26 of91)
Open Image ModalAn iPad Note For Mom(27 of91)
Open Image ModalSnax(28 of91)
Open Image Modal"Dear Tooth Fairy..."(29 of91)
Open Image ModalDear Obama(30 of91)
Open Image ModalThree Little Words From A Boy With Autism(31 of91)
Open Image ModalHappy Father's Day(32 of91)
Open Image ModalDad Is Really Cranky(33 of91)
Open Image ModalMy Hero (34 of91)
Open Image ModalThe Daddy Trofy(35 of91)
Open Image ModalT Is For...(36 of91)
Open Image ModalInterpreting Remainders(37 of91)
Open Image ModalShine Bright(38 of91)
Open Image ModalMommy Fact Sheet(39 of91)
Open Image ModalSay, Listen, And Circle(40 of91)
Open Image ModalPlaces That I Have Been To(41 of91)
Open Image Modal"Col Me Baby"(42 of91)
Open Image ModalHappy Things To Think About(43 of91)
Open Image ModalI Am A Freeloader(44 of91)
Open Image ModalA Middle Schooler's Sage Advice(45 of91)
Open Image ModalHappy Early Mother's Day (46 of91)
Open Image Modal"I Will Miss You..."(47 of91)
Open Image ModalThe Daddy Guilt Trip(48 of91)
Open Image ModalShe Knows Her Colors(49 of91)
Open Image ModalKid's Awkwardly Epic Spelling Mistake(50 of91)
Open Image ModalPositive Ways Our Family Handles Stress(51 of91)
Open Image ModalI Feel The Pain(52 of91)
Open Image ModalWaiting For Baby(53 of91)
Open Image ModalThings To Do To Bother Nick(54 of91)
Open Image Modal"I Really Love To Sing But..."(55 of91)
Open Image ModalJoshua's Timeline (56 of91)
Open Image ModalHow To Be A Cool Person(57 of91)
Open Image ModalMatthew Had 20 Girlfriends...(58 of91)
Open Image ModalA Crying Little Devil(59 of91)
Open Image ModalMy Ideal Friend(60 of91)
Open Image ModalDear Disney Cruise Line(61 of91)
Open Image ModalA Love Letter To Mom(62 of91)
Open Image ModalSisterly Love?(63 of91)
Open Image ModalI've Never Seen A Man Cry Before(64 of91)
Open Image ModalThank You Michelle Obama(65 of91)
Open Image ModalDo Not Disturb(66 of91)
Open Image ModalYou Should Not Hit Dogs(67 of91)
Open Image ModalThank You For The Books(68 of91)
Open Image Modal2013 Goals(69 of91)
Open Image ModalA Question For Santa(70 of91)
Open Image ModalLet's Not Fight(71 of91)
Open Image ModalDear Santa(72 of91)
Open Image ModalA Letter To The Queen(73 of91)
Open Image ModalSpy Rules(74 of91)
Open Image ModalI Will Not(75 of91)
Open Image ModalIdea For Blog(76 of91)
Open Image ModalI Will Be A Ninja For Halloween(77 of91)
Open Image Modal"Allergic To Facebook"(78 of91)
Open Image ModalIf I Get A Boyfriend...(79 of91)
Open Image ModalA Letter To The Tooth Fairy(80 of91)
Open Image ModalWhat Is Love?(81 of91)
Open Image Modal"I Love You More Than..."(82 of91)
Open Image ModalI Am God(83 of91)
Open Image ModalDon't Forget To...(84 of91)
Open Image ModalAshley's Hurricane Rules!(85 of91)
Open Image ModalYour Dad Is The Best WHAT?(86 of91)
Open Image ModalHow To Raise Some Cats(87 of91)
Open Image ModalChasing Annie(88 of91)
Open Image ModalI Will Lie To Mommy(89 of91)
Open Image ModalWhy Being A Girl Is Wonderful(90 of91)
Open Image ModalFlow Of The Evening(91 of91)
Open Image Modal